Welcome back to The Grey Diaries! If you're new here, this is a monthly series where I share my real journal entries through this experience with you. It's also the best place to find personal photos of my life for a true "behind-the-scenes" look.
Don't worry, one day (working on it) I will start showing my face and posting more personal photos!
At this point in my story, my husband is still in a treatment centre and we are just about to start counselling. I was starting to get used to living alone and to be honest, it wasn't that I didn't want him around but I enjoyed how peaceful the home was when he wasn't.
I know many of us feel that way because it feels so good to NOT worry about our loved ones. If they're not living with us, the worry is still there. But treatment? That's a safe, addiction-free environment.
As his homecoming came closer, I began to get anxious and discouraged. Anxious about talking to him in counselling and discouraged that my life couldn't feel like that month- all the time.
All I wanted was a home filled with peace.
I'll leave you to reading. Don't forget to check out the previous entries of The Grey Diaries as we walk through this journey!
In case you miss the dates, the entries are all at least two years past. It helps to protect my husband and takes the pressure off my marriage. I don't want to use this blog to "vent" about him, only to encourage you!
The Grey Diaries | January 20, 2015
I can’t believe how fast time is going by. I don’t want this to end.
There are days I think to myself that I should have stayed single and worked on growing my career. I might have been a celebrity hairstylist by now. Stylist to the stars. Own my own salon. Had a team of great women to work with me and be known for having the most city-chic salon in the area. It would be trendy, organic, almost all white and the only salon in town anyone wants to book for their wedding.
But that's not my story, is it?
No, my story is more like,
"Leah fell in love (again) and ended up in a whirlwind of trouble. She had so much potential, too! She used to be such a bright, young lady. She graduated with honours, you know. First one to go to University in her family. Ah, yes, well, she dropped out after the first year- something about becoming an interior designer. I don't know. Poor thing. She's a little 'flighty'."
My oldest son and I when I was still a single mother, walking back from the beach.
Sometimes, it can be very hard to see God working in my life even though, I know He is. They say God looks at the big picture... but how big is it? Maybe I’m not the plan. I have time, I know. After all, I'm only twenty-eight it's just that there are days I feel like I'm seventy.
Maybe my children are the plan. Maybe my grandchildren are the plan... maybe I should just be happy in my humble circumstance and endure my life with perseverance and grace. At the very least, I can try to show my children how to love God despite all wreckage from the devil's wiles.
The only thing our kids need from us in these hard moments is our love and for us to be okay. If we're okay, they're going to be okay.
I still love you Lord through all of this. More than ever, actually.
Click to Tweet: The Grey Diaries returns in, "Dear Diary: Think, 'Big Picture'"
I was always taught that when we make sacrifices, God will give us back what we lost in tenfold. With a mind focused on the bigger picture, waiting on the favour of God has always made all things bearable. Today, I feel discouraged. Like I gave up what was good in my life to chase romance and my relationship with God was hurt in the process.
“I pray that I may walk, live, and conduct myself in a manner WORTHY of the Lord. That I may be fully pleasing to YOU and desire to please YOU in all things by bearing fruit in every good work.”
-Grandma Pearl's Covenant with God
My older son playing with his friend at our beach.
Tomorrow, I have my first sit down with my husband and his counsellor from treatment... I’m not looking forward to it.
I feel done talking about my husband's problems and constantly worrying about him. Poor, poor husband.... he may have baggage but don't we all? It’s not an excuse not to stay irresponsible.
I understand mistakes. I have made so many irresponsible mistakes.
I understand the times he screwed up. I have screwed up so many times.
What I don't understand is a lack of drive to do better. I have always been determined to live better.
I don’t understand the lies. At this point, I don't even know what his truth looks like anymore.
... is it possible he doesn't know HOW to be truly happy?
This guy right here, he gives me a reason to be happy every day.
As for tomorrow, I pray I am filled with that supernatural grace that has been depleting over time.
I pray I have clear spiritual discernment about what I should say and when I should stay quiet and listen.
I pray my emotions are Spirit-guided and that God will put words in my mouth because if I speak in the natural I will likely regret what comes out!
My mercy is running low but I will keep our children in the forefront of my mind. At the end of the day, I want to show them what the love of God looks like, whether they recognize what's happening or not.
Think, big picture.
Big, big, big picture......
Click to Tweet: One wife journals through her husband's battle with addiction (the good, the bad & the chaotic!).
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