Learning boundaries in addiction is a process.

I can’t count how many times I packed my bags or collected my children to ride off in a fury of pain and confusion. I was lost. Being married to someone who struggled with addiction made my everyday life downright traumatic. 

I had no boundaries in my relationship.

I woke up and the sun was shining on another beautiful day. The pitter-patter of my children’s feet echoed through the rooms of my home as I stretched to roll over in bed.

One more minute of bliss. One more moment of peace. 

I ate my breakfast and got my children ready for a day of play. My husband left for work hours earlier. I wondered if I should have a short Bible study that morning, but it was getting late already. My kids dispersed to play with their toys, so I decided to do the study later. Instead, I turned on worship music and begin to tidy the house. I always felt best when the house was clean. 

After the house was clean, I packed a bag with some snacks and the kids and I left the apartment. I planned to catch a few rays of the sun while the kids played at the park. Gosh, it’s a lovely day! The birds were singing and the neighbourhood was filled with the sound of my children’s laughter. Suddenly, I felt like cooking. A few groceries later from the local bodega and my home was filled with the smell of a simple, homemade Coq au Vin. It was a favourite family recipe inherited from someone’s Grandmother- not mine. I preferred to cook everything slow and long, which gave me the opportunity to do the Bible study I skipped that morning. 

Feeling totally hygge, I settled into a spot of the sun by the window and opened my Bible.

“MOM! My brother bit me!”

Sigh. Okay, deal with the kids and then I’ll have my quiet time. 

One hour and five lego houses later, I finally returned to my quiet space. Beep! Beep! Beep! The oven timer screamed. It was time to make my side dishes and finish dinner. The Bible study would have to wait. By six-thirty that evening my husband was late… as usual. He probably ate at work… again. Asserting my boundaries, I served family dinner without him. It was delicious. Fragrant. Comforting. Even the kids liked it! 

I left the dishes in the sink while I bathed the children. Jammies went on. Stories were read. They sent their prayers to heaven. I turned out the light and heard the front door open. Ah, there he is. Hoping the children didn’t hear my husband come home, I tiptoed down the hall to greet him. 

“Hello,” I said.

“Hi,” he wouldn’t look me in the eye.

“How was your day?” I probed.

“Long,” he replied, signaling he was tired and didn’t want to talk.

“Your dinner is in the fridge,” I told him.

“Thanks,” he said, moving to the kitchen.

After he took the most minuscule amount of my amazing dinner, I knew something was up. I followed him to the table and sat down. He looked utterly and totally perturbed at my presence. 

“Why were you so late?” I asked.

“I was working,” he said.

“Working on what?” I knew I was walking on dangerous ground.

“Just. Working.” he replied making eye contact for the first time. He tried to keep his face straight to prove he was not lying, which of course, made him look all the more suspicious.

“Okay,” I said. I felt as suspicious as I did dejected and retreated to my bedroom. Where was he? Who was he with? What did he do? How much longer are you going to live this way? How will you ever know the truth?!

Tears fell from my eyes as my mind spun out of control with questions that had no answer. 

“Come to Me,” the Lord whispered in my soul.

I suddenly remembered the Bible study I had meant to do all day. I should have done it! Yet another disappointment. I found my Bible and flipped it open, not expecting to find much encouragement.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” -Psalm 34:18 (ESV)

Sorrow overwhelmed me as I mourned for my relationship and the future I thought we would have. Through heavy sobs I poured out my heart to Jesus, telling Him about all of the dreams I let go of. I felt broken. I flipped the Bible around again before landing in the Old Testament.

“God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, his merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over). He’s all I’ve got left.”

-Lamentations 3:22-23 (MSG)

My tears dried. I wondered if one day I’d have any left to cry. Yes, the Lord was all I had. My family, though wonderful, was hundreds of miles away. Every day was a new day. Every morning I started again. I put my hope in the Lord and trusted He would deliver me from the pain of my husband’s addiction and restore the years that we had lost. But for many years, every day I woke, I hoped, and I hurt again.

Five things the Bible says about boundaries that we can apply to a relationship affected by addiction.

The religious thing to do in a difficult relationship is to “trust God” and not enforce boundaries, even if they’re Biblically based. How many times have you heard the phrase, “Grace upon grace, upon grace”?

Now, how many times have you heard the quote from Corinthians 5:5, “…hand this man over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord.”

Can a Godly woman pray for such a thing?! Absolutely, yes.

The majority of pastors I saw through my husband’s addiction suggested I pray, stay faithful, and never give up on my husband. In truth, that advice was without boundaries. Most relationships that don’t use boundaries won’t last. (Seriously, look at the stats!)

My husband’s addiction was damaging to my family and my emotional health. Meanwhile, much of the Christian advice I was getting was lacking in Godly wisdom. What’s a girl to do?!

Boundaries in a relationship affected by addiction don’t need to be unloving or aggressive. When done properly, boundaries are the way of God.

“Because of the tender mercy of our God, whereby the sunrise shall visit us from on high to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the way of peace.”

-Luke 1:78-79 (ESV)

God “guides our feet in the way of peace” much like how He guides the rotation of the earth, a change in season, or stirs our hearts to repentance. He is not a “do nothing” kind of God. I’m not saying you have to walk away from your loved one (although, there are times that is all there is left to do), on the contrary, what I’m saying is that we must have boundaries.

Having a plan B is not a lack of faith, it’s a sign of intelligence. I would like for a spiritual advisor to advise the spouse of an addict to protect their hearts, put boundaries around their emotions and mental health, and boundaries around their home environment- especially if there are kids involved! The Bible offers plenty of boundaries around these things. Let’s examine a few: 

1. Do not hang out with angry people because it will make you bitter, too.

“Don’t hang out with angry people; don’t keep company with hotheads. Bad temper is contagious— don’t get infected.”

-Proverbs 22:24-25 (MSG)

2. Don’t even sit at a table with someone who claims to be a believer but is sexually immoral, a drunk, a cheater, a liar and more. 

“What I was saying is that you should not associate with someone who calls himself a brother or sister but lives contrary to all we stand for: committing immoral sexual acts, consumed with desire for more, worshipping tangible lifeless things, using profanity, drinking into oblivion, swindling and cheating others. Do not even sit at the table with a person like this.”

-1 Corinthians 5:11 (VOICE)

3. Forge your own path. Just because you’re married to someone doesn’t mean that you have to do everything together.

“Do not enter the path of the wicked, and do not walk in the way of the evil.” -Proverbs 4:14 (ESV)

4. Some marriages are legal unions without a partnership. The togetherness that you desire is not going to work right now. That doesn’t mean you won’t ever have an in-sync union, but right now it simply isn’t possible. It's totally okay to be at peace with that and ride it out. [If you want help with that, check out my quick course on boundaries!]

“Don’t develop partnerships with those who are not followers of Jesus’ teachings. For what real connection can exist between righteousness and rebellion? How can light participate in darkness?”

-2 Corinthians 6:14 (VOICE)

5. Do not offer God’s Word to the spiritually perverse because they will not understand or they will use it against you (a good example of this would be twisting Eph. 5:22, “A wife should submit to her husband”). In other words, shoving your Bible down the throat of your addicted spouse isn’t going to help. Making it mandatory for your spouse to go to church with you is NOT a boundary, it’s controlling.

“Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces.”

-Matthew 7:6 (NKJV)

You can love your addicted family member with Godly boundaries.

The Bible gives many boundaries on who we should hang out with, but it also says to love those who sin.

"I did not come to call the [self-proclaimed] righteous [who see no need to repent], but sinners to repentance [to change their old way of thinking, to turn from sin and to seek God and His righteousness].”

-Luke 5:32 (AMP)

Many people struggle with addiction because they have an underlying mental illness that is beyond their control. Jesus loves them and wants them to be happy, healthy, whole and holy; as their spouse, how can you model that?

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” -Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

Some spouses are vindictive, cruel, and abusive. These spouses need firm boundaries, and you may find that you will need to leave your marriage. In my experience, the larger majority of people struggling with addictions are hurting, and feel trapped or broken. If your spouse sounds like the latter, maintaining good boundaries while taking care of your health and future may be enough to support your relationship. People do heal. Addiction can change. There is hope. Don’t give up on them- just be smart about it!

“Then Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, because they do not know what they are doing.” -Luke 23:34

If you want to watch a great video on how to make boundaries the right way, I love this video from the Hope for Hurting Families’ YouTube channel, Put The Shovel Down.

Leah Grey

Hey, friend! Need help? Try this! 👇

WANT TO KEEP READING? TRY THESE POSTS ON BOUNDARIES:

Updated May 2, 2022. Formally titled, A Day in the Life of the Wife of an Addict.