The conversation is as vivid as if it happened yesterday. A few high school friends and I were discussing what we wanted to do in life. I surprised myself and everyone else by saying, “I want to be a brain surgeon.” It wasn’t a lifelong goal. It was a spur of the moment boast but it stuck in my head. Those careless words directed much of my life for the next decade.

After high school, I finished a year at university and went to nursing school, mostly because I had a scholarship. I graduated, worked for a while, and met a fellow nurse who’d returned to college to prepare for medical school. Maybe medical school was for me, too, I thought, and soon began the arduous coursework. The workload was tough but the process of learning was glorious. 

With a few more courses left to take, I applied to medical school to gain an understanding of the process in anticipation of a serious application the following year. To my surprise, I made the alternate list. It was a good sign and my possibilities seemed limitless. Medical school the next year wasn’t guaranteed but the likelihood was high. The future looked rosy. Sort of. 

I continued to work as a nurse and watched the doctors who treated patients in our unit. Their lifestyle caused me to pause and reconsider my plans. They worked hard. Patients complained, no matter how good the doctors were, and their expectations were unreasonable. Doctors spent hours at the hospital in the middle of the night caring for critically ill patients. They took great vacations but all looked tired. They agonized when they missed family events. Struggled to find time with their wives and children. Was their lifestyle for me? Was medicine really what I wanted?

Every consideration was about what I wanted.

If I knew how to seek God’s will, I didn’t do it. Instead, I pressed on. Certain of my future one day. Confused and unsure the next. A few months later, I received a call that forced my hand. I’d moved up the list and earned a spot in the medical school class starting in two weeks. Did I want it? I wasn’t sure but was afraid to turn it down so I said yes.

The course work was hard and the amount of memorization was astronomical. I was ill-prepared for the mountain of work, the long hours, the formaldehyde in the gross anatomy lab, the smell. I hated it all.

I wanted something else, anything else, but I’d invested too much to turn back. Or so I thought. I pressed on but never stopped to ask, “Is this what You want, God?” I faked contentment but the dissatisfaction in my soul would not be denied. I felt restless. Rarely peaceful. Angry at God, life, my profession, myself.

Money was tight so I worked weekends as a nurse to cover my expenses. Exhaustion didn’t begin to describe my sorry state. One night, so tired I could barely stand, I reached a dark-night-of-the-soul moment and made another bad decision. “Your ways aren’t working, God. I’m going to try it my way for a while.” Those words were made easier because of the layer of dust on my Bible, collected while I ignored the truth in its pages and poured all my energy into studying my textbooks instead. The church services I skipped. The times spent with new friends instead of godly ones.

I was on the road to rebellion long before I defied God with my words.

The search for relevance and direction was on. You can imagine how well that went. I was soon more unhappy than ever and one bad decision followed another in my personal life. Somehow, my professional life prospered despite my rebellion. I graduated from medical school and residency and went into private practice.

Nearly a decade passed. Achieving my goals made me no happier. From the outside looking in, it probably looked as if I had it all together—but I didn’t. My marriage was in shambles and it felt as if my entire life was too. My way didn’t work out as well as I’d expected. I needed more. 

With divorce looming, my life seemed an endless dark-night-of-the-soul. I sought help from a Christian marriage counselor and one important truth became evident: Neither my marriage nor my profession caused my unhappiness. My rebellion did. 

To my surprise, I found God in the midst of my struggle. I accepted responsibility for my wrong choices, repented of my sin, and surrendered my will to His. In exchange, He transformed my life, habits, priorities, and thoughts. Through in-depth Bible study, I found truth and wisdom for every decision. The more I dug into my new God-life, the more peace, contentment, and joy I gained. 

Eventually, God began to change my dreams and desires, then fulfill them one by one. I was a lifelong student with a deep and passionate love for the process of learning. I wanted to explore many areas of knowledge. Medicine consumed and confined me. I finally left my medical practice and became a writer. Artist. Rancher. Speaker. Politician. Author. Missionary. I loved the ever-changing, always interesting roles God gave. Life was good and it still is.

Several months ago, though, I felt the old restlessness again. A few of the deepest prayers of my heart seemed to go unanswered and I allowed disappointment, rather than patience and hope, to take root and grow. Discontented with a few circumstances, I also allowed a vague sense of anger to simmer. Churning unhappiness followed. My old worldly life shimmered with appeal—briefly. It didn't last long because at that moment I reached a decision point. It’s a place we all find ourselves, probably more often than we’d like to admit. Tempted to sin. Drawn to rebellion. 

Scripture tells us the enemy of our soul roams about like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour. (1 Peter 5:8) A Christian deep in the slough of self-pity and discontent makes an easy target. When I allowed dissatisfaction with a few circumstances to grow into unresolved anger, I took my eyes off God and placed them squarely where the evil one wanted them- on me. By doing so, I put myself in a place of great spiritual vulnerability and risk because I set myself up for a fall.

Does that sound dramatic? It should. Moral catastrophe is rarely accomplished with one single terrible decision. Usually, it’s the result of a series of bad decisions and compromises. Does wallowing in self-pity equal utter destruction? No. However, wallowing in self-pity was one of my first steps on my long journey of sin. If I don’t want to go where that journey took me before, I need to avoid the first steps and stay on the path of discipleship.

When I experienced an unhappy time, I had a choice to make—continue with discontent or choose the path of a disciple. Our Christian life is not marked by happiness but by joy despite our circumstances. (James 1:2-3) Scripture tells us, “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10) We’d do well to heed those wise words, especially when we’re toying with unhappiness and discontentment. 

I recognized the temptation and the danger of my emotions.

Rather than following them down a path of destruction, I chose to be still. Stop rehearsing my grievances. Repent of my part in my situation. Forgive. Love. Rejoice, even in the hard parts of life. I opened my Bible and read until I found the truth I needed. Chose a passage to memorize.

I didn’t need a dark-night-of-the-soul moment or severe consequences to drive me back to Jesus because I chose the actions that allowed me to abide in Christ and have the love, joy, and peace He gives. 

Happiness is a transient, momentary emotion. Unhappiness is, too. Joy, on the other hand, is a long-term, deep-seated state of the soul. It comes not from circumstances but from an intimate relationship with Jesus, from knowing and following Him. We can allow emotion to control us or we can choose faithfulness and obedience which leads to joy, peace, and contentment. Regardless of the circumstances. Regardless of the choices of those we love. I want the joy, peace, and contentment only Christ can bring so I choose faithfulness and obedience. I choose joy. 

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you believe so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. -Romans 15:13, CSB

Leanna Lindsey Hollis M.D.

Leanna Lindsey Hollis M.D. serves as Director of Intercessory Prayer and Outreach for Global Outreach International. Leanna Is a prolific writer and passionate intercessor. She has taught and led in the areas of prayer and in-depth Bible study for more than two decades and is the founder and facilitator of The Whisper Gathering women's ministry. Her ministry passion is equipping believers to go deeper in the disciple life. Although she no longer maintains a private practice, she still practices mission medicine in international settings. 

Leanna lives on a farm in Northeast Mississippi with two gorgeous horses, two high-maintenance dogs, and an occasional biting cat. She also has a magnificent adult son who brings her great joy, lots of laughter, and more adventures than she could ever think up on her own.  You can find Leanna at:  www.leannahollis.com & www.whispergathering.com.

Follow Leanna on Social Media: 

Facebook Author Page: @leannalindseyhollis

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Read more from Leanna: 

Discipleship: Doing What Jesus Did

How to Trust God in Hard Times

Learn from Leanna: 

Not-quite-daily devotional: Faith Lived Out Loud

Create In Me a Clean Heart free email course: Clean Heart Study