I dated my husband for almost 10 years before we married. 

Well, on and off but still it was quite a long relationship. When we finally got married in 2010, l was over the moon excited like any new bride would be. But once we started living together I realized he had a few habits that rubbed me the wrong way (and l probably had habits that got to him too, but he never mentioned anything to me). 

And guess what-l was ready to save the day, I mean, save him….ok, change him to someone l could be happy with. l got to work doing just that.

Why I believed changing my husband was a great idea:

1. It was the Christian thing to do.

I believed it was the Christian thing to do. I mean, a good Christian wife helps her husband to be a better human. It’s how you love him with the love of Christ…so l thought.

2. I thought I would be happier.

I believed that if my husband changed his habits, I would be a happier wife because as long as he did things that bothered me, our happiness would not be guaranteed. A “perfect marriage” was the only marriage for me.

3. My behaviour was perfect, his was not.

Have you ever noticed that women we have a lot to say about the changes their husbands need to make? At the very least, we’re less of a sinner than them, right? Hmm.

4. It was my wifely duty.

I believed it was my job to help my husband be better. There was a societal expectation (might just be African culture?) [Leah here-> it’s not just African culture!] that when a man marries, there have to be visible changes in his life (he must gain weight since someone is cooking for him, he must become more responsible, etc). So much pressure! 

The result? I failed.

Trying to change my husband did a lot of things, except change him for the better. Instead, it left us both frustrated. While l tried every tool to make him change, he didn’t. By tools, l mean, manipulation; having other people speak to him, made threats, withheld certain “marriage privileges,” gave him the silent treatment, the list goes on. I was frustrated that nothing was working, and he was frustrated at what l was doing.

This led to more tension and fighting. I can tell you now, the main reason we had fights and tension in the early years of marriage was due to me wanting him to change to who l thought he should be. I felt like a failure as wife. I compared myself to women who seemed to have changed their husbands, yet, l was struggling to do the same.

So obviously, I was sure our marriage was doomed. Thanks be to God who showed me, and still shows me, a better way to love and cherish my man the way he is- perceived faults and all. 

Here are some truth bombs💣I learned. 

I am not God 

It’s easier to believe this in our heads than our hearts. Somewhere, deep down, we think we know exactly what is right for our husbands. We say or think, “If only you were more_________, (fill in the blank) you would be a better husband.” For each woman, that blank is different; be it kinder, richer, more educated, more loving, more spiritual, the list goes on. Or, maybe your list is of “lesser-thans.” If only they would be less angry, less moody, impulsive, depressed, boring, the list goes on again.

Not to be cliche, but God knows us, and that includes our flaws. Jeremiah 1:5 says, “Before l formed you, l knew you.” While some flaws come from sin, others are simply our unique personalities.

When it comes to a spouse, you and l don’t have the power to change what we didn’t create. We are wasting time we could have spent enjoying the precious gift of life, when we spend it trying to change someone else.

My joy is my own.

“This is the day the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it.”  -Psalm 118:24

Rejoice everyday, it is a gift to be alive. I have learned not to wait for my husband to be perfect before l could enjoy our marriage but instead, enjoy the imperfect moments we do have.

There is nothing wrong with wanting the best for our husbands. Think about it like this-what would it benefit them to change for you, not for God? Our lives are lived for the glory of God, not others.

Seven Secrets to Love a Difficult Spouse Better

🤫SECRET #1-

Be honest with what you’re trying to do. As painful as it is to say, l couldn’t accept him as he was. I had to repent of my sin of wanting the impossible “perfect marriage.” 

David said in Psalm 51:3, “For l acknowledge my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.” Repent of the sin of taking someone’s life and wanting to mold it to what you think is best.

🤫SECRET #2- 

Let go! I had to let God do his job by letting go. While it was difficult at first, it’s been freeing, and so it can be for you.  

[Sarah here, from the GM team! Let it go? Easier said then done, am I right? Check out Kara’s FREE 10-day devotional in our resource library to learn how to let go of all the harmful, painful emotions that come from a loved one’s addiction.]

🤫SECRET #3-  

Pray, often. I pray for my husband’s obstacles, his work, his plans, his future, and his family. Proverbs 31:12 says, “She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.” When we pray for them, let us pray that God changes them to who HE has CREATED them to be, not who we want them to be. This is very important! What we want and what God has planned could be two completely different things. Leave it in God’s hands, He knows best.

“For l know the plans l have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not evil, to give you a future and a hope”. -Jeremiah 29:11

🤫SECRET #4-

Can you recall a time in your life when you heard the saying, “Actions speak louder than words”? Jesus didn’t die for us after we stopped sinning and became perfect humans. He loved us as we were. And through His death, He saved us from sin. But pay attention, He loved us first. Love is what draws people to want to be better. When we love our spouse like Jesus, the Holy Spirit will draw them closer to Him.

“…God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us”.  -Romans 5: 8

💥The fact that Jesus loves me as l am inspires me to love my husband as he is.💥

🤫SECRET #5-

“…why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye but do not consider the speck in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’ and look, a plank is in your own eye?“ -Matthew 7:3-4

When the Bible talks about judgement, it often says to judge introspectively and examine our own actions before we look to the actions of others. Is your frustration and anger leading you to sin? Say nothing to your loved one. Is your spouse sinning and hurting you? Gently lead them with the help of the Holy Spirit and help carry their burdens, leaving the Lord to do the judging.

Galatians 6:1-2 says, “Brothers and sisters, if someone is overtaken in any wrongdoing, you who are spiritual, restore such a person with a gentle spirit, watching out for yourselves so that you also won’t be tempted. Carry one another’s burdens; in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

🤫SECRET #6-

I am focusing on improving my relationship with God, keeping my thoughts on Him, and asking Him to transform me. I assure you, once your attitude starts to change this might be the breakthrough you need for the changes you long to see in your husband. It. Does. Work.

Pursue God. Love God. Love His children, and you will see how love has an impact on those around you. It’s the power of the Holy Spirit- and it works.

🤫SECRET #7-

God is the only one who can change someone. He may use friends, relatives, church leaders, rehab, counsellors, or whoever else, but they in themselves cannot change them. Sometimes, God will bring a random person into someone’s life and in that moment, it all clicks. Ah, the mysteries of heaven!

”And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying ‘All authority has been given to me in heaven and on earth.” -Matthew 28:18

Made in the image of God, humans have some power, but not all power. A combination of prayer and love will have more influence that anything we say or do to our spouse.

You can do this!

Be encouraged! When we accept these truths, we’re able to love our husbands freely and with less frustration. This makes it easier! I’m glad l failed to change my husband, because now l love him better. l love him like Jesus. It's not our job to change our spouse. Our job is to partner with them by praying for them, loving them, and focusing on growing nearer to God. When we know our job, we make room for God to do His. 

Let’s Pray🙏

Lord, thank you that you are my God, and You alone have the power to change difficult people and challenging situations. Thank you for loving me, just as l am, and dying for me while l was still a sinner. Thank you for reminding me l need to love __________(spouse’s name). Forgive me for trying to change___________(spouse's name). Mold them to become the person you want them to be, just as you are molding me to become the person you want me to be.  

In Jesus' name, I pray. 

Amen