Emotional abuse isn't something we can see. It would be obvious someone is hurting us if they always left bruises, but when our emotions are bruised, it can be confusing to classify something as abuse. It's a, "If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one around, does it make a sound?” situation.

Many experts now believe that ongoing emotional abuse is more damaging than physical abuse because of its frequency, stigma in seeking help, and lack of adequate resources [source]. 

Not to mention, we live in a highly over-sensitive culture where most everything said can be taken wrong, twisted, considered prejudice, hateful, anti-semantic, whatever it is.

Even more confusing, most signs of emotional abuse are also things that can happen in normal, healthy marriages that are not abusive; like yelling. Have you ever yelled at your spouse? I sure have. Some experts would call this abuse, but I do not. I think abuse is better defined as a consistent bereavement of love, respect, honour, self-sacrifice, and freedom in a relationship.

Unlike physical abuse, I honestly don’t think a one-off counts as abuse. If my husband called me a name one time, I wouldn’t jump to saying he is an abusive husband. That’s ridiculous! It needs to be consistent because one of the surest signs of emotional abuse is that is breaks you down slowly.

What Is Emotional Abuse?

The definition of emotional or psychological abuse is up for discussion, but it's generally referred to as verbal aggression (verbal abuse), dominant behaviour (like lording finances) and/or jealous behaviour like bullying, harassment and power imbalance in a relationship [source]. 

As I said, emotional abuse usually progresses slowly. You may feel conflicted, tense or guilty. It can quickly turn into feeling helpless, being withdrawn, unable to sleep, diminished self-confidence or feeling trapped [source]. Bigger problems that come from emotional abuse would be depression, chronic anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, suicidal thoughts and Stockholm syndrome [source]. It can precede physical or sexual abuse and yes, your spouse can sexually abuse you. 

Through my own experiences and from hearing other women’s stories who were emotionally abused, I’d say most abusive relationships start out pretty normal. I would even dare to say they start out better than the average relationship- abusers are master charmers.

Does that mean there wasn’t red flags? Of course not, quite the opposite. The relationship undoubtedly provided something we craved; red flags ignored. It's totally normal not to see emotional abuse as its happening to you (I’d bet other people see it though!). 

"We live life forward but we only understand it backwards" -Joyce Meyer

On top of that, those who struggle with addiction usually become flawless in the art of deception. The combination? Woah.

Keep context in mind as the things I'm going to list are not necessarily considered to be abuse on their own. It's not my intention for you to read this and be like, "Oh man, he called me a name last week, he must be an abuser!" We're all human and sometimes we do sucky things. 

The list is a reference in case you need an "ah-ha!" moment to figure out if your relationship has become unhealthy for you. No form of abuse is gender-specific and could equally come from a man or woman. Here's a source for some of the items on the list, but most are my own experience.

I would never classify my husband as an abusive husband. Yet, he did do a lot of the things on this list as addiction-related behaviour or emotional baggage. He was not himself. At the time, the choices he was making were painful and hurtful to my soul. There was a consistent bereavement of love, respect, honour, self-sacrifice, and freedom in our relationship. So in a way, my relationship had BECOME abusive from addiction. Yes, that’s possible!

And I did many of the things on this list, too! We had become unhealthy for each other and it was appropriate and right that we both take a time of separation to work out what was going on and fix it before pursuing the continuation of our relationship. [Read: Don't Ignore the Elephant in the Room… Addiction Can Become an Abusive Situation- Fast!]

Possible Signs of Emotional Abuse

1. They don’t acknowledge your feelings or they minimize them. They might say you're imagining things or flat out wrong for feeling the way you do. They speak for you in conversation, twist your words, or interrupts while you're speaking.

2. They only take responsibility for wrongs to appease you. When the conversation arises later, it wasn't their fault. Again. They ask for you to repeat exactly what they said in previous arguments, when clearly you don't have any idea anymore; therefore, you're wrong. And now you’re a liar. 

3. They can't go without, without complaining. They have a major sense of entitlement. Their time is more valuable than yours, they expect a reward for their efforts and need constant praise.

4. Sex is not mutually wanted or enjoyable. It feels more like a duty than an act of love.

5. They may become inappropriately aggressive in bed or talk to you with crude, vile, pornographic-type language. 

6. In spite of you saying it hurts your feelings, they watch porn in front of you, around you, and/or compares you to it.

7. They quote Bible verses about how your body is not your own, it belongs to them. This is a major one for followers of the Hebrew God, it is NOT what the Bible means.  

8. They unwelcomely tell you how to dress, wear your hair, etc. (see how these are normal things, too? I mean… my husband is prone to the Al Bundy man-at-home look, something had to be said…)

9. They bully, nag, convince or manipulate you into doing things you don't want and/or aren't good for you (if you're acting like a "peacemaker" you likely don't argue on this point anymore; you just do it).

10. They ignore you and make you feel invisible- especially when they’re angry. Ice cold for days.

11. They objectify you. For example, when you're upset they doesn't call you by your name. Instead, they minimize your feelings with nicknames like, "babe," "honey," etc.

12. They talk you down to all their friends. 

13. They don't tell you where they are 90% of the time. If they come home late after not answering the phone and you ask where they were- you're controlling. Meanwhile, they’re controlling and jealous about where you are ALL THE TIME. This one is common in addiction.

14. They accuse you of doing things you didn't do and accept only their truth. If you got groceries and took too long you were out being a sleaze. If you deny it, they passive-aggressively says, "yeah, sure you weren't.”

15. They angrily walk out on you during confrontation because they, "Can't handle you," and then return and pretend nothing happened. If you try resolving the issue again, you're causing problems. 

16. They punch, throw, or hit surroundings when angry. I’m going to qualify this in a SMALL way, use your judgement. If they struggle with mental illness, there may be more going on than anger. They MAY need help from a professional more than a police phone call. Bipolar mania, panic attacks, autism, and more can all be underlying causes of “freaking out.” It doesn’t make it okay, it doesn’t make it safe, it means the approach to a healthy relationship may need to be different.

17. They flirt with, admire, or make sexual comments about/to other people when you’re together (this isn’t okay when you’re not together either, FYI!).

18. They bring up all your past mistakes to deflect blame. If they doesn't have anything on you, they'll make something up. 

19. They lie. About everything.  

20. If they physically hurt you, they may tell you, "It wasn't that bad." This applies in the bedroom as well.

21. They use gifts as ploys for forgiveness.

22. They use money to control you, keep you home, keep you dependent, buy your forgiveness or buy your commitment.

23. They threaten suicide or divorce as manipulation.

24. They threaten to take your children and never return- this one needs a phone call to the police. Don’t allow those threats to live a day, even if you think your loved one would never follow through. I cannot tell you how many women I have spoken to whose children have been taken from them. It’s terrifying, sad and not worth the risk!

25. They shower you with compliments when they want something, but if you deny them… watch out!!!

Do you feel like your loved one is doing five or more of these things? Half of them? All of them?

Don't be discouraged! God can fix this too 🙂.

Emotional abuse in a relationship needs to be addressed. You don't always have to break up the relationship, but you absolutely need to break free from the abuse. This may mean a period of physical or legal separation, therapy, rehab, or a host of other things. [Read: The Best (and Worst!) Reasons to Stay Married to an Addict]

Of course, sometimes there is enough harm it is more appropriate to end the relationship. [Read: The Day God Set Me Free from My Marriage]

Leah Grey

Need immediate help with an abusive relationship? In the U.S., visit https://www.thehotline.org/. In Canada, check out this all-encompassing resource from the Government of Canada Department of Justice for support in your province and preferred language. When in doubt, call the police!

*Previously titled, “Signs of Emotional Abuse You Need to Watch For”. Updated 03/15/20.