“Why doesn’t he look at me?”

“Is this why he’s suddenly disinterested in sex?”

“Is he using that for motivation to make love?”

“What does he look at?”

“Why am I not enough?”

You don’t have to have a pornography addiction for porn to ruin your marriage.

Hey, man. I’m not even going to pretend to know your side of the story. Before we continue it’s important to acknowledge that any gender can have a porn problem. Let's call it like it is though and be honest, it's predominantly a man problem. Why is it a man's problem? That’s a bigger question- is it the culture that created the problem or is it nature? I’m not getting into that one today.

Before we get into porn, let’s begin by acknowledging first that lust can be a problem. If you’re lusting after anyone (or anything) behind the back of your loved one- it’s a problem. I could go on for days about my issues with our overly-sexualized culture and how it impacts our relationships, children and self-esteem. I don’t mean nakedness, naked is not perverted. Naked is great. Stop thinking about her naked.

Do you see what happened there? You did it. The question is, did you see someone naked or did you drool over someone naked? How far did your mind go down the tunnel? You don’t have to answer, but whichever one it was, that’s a pretty good indicator of where your mind is at.

It’s 100% normal to be attracted to someone outside of your relationship.

It may feel like it’s been a long time since we were living in caves and hunting for our food, but those primal characteristics are deeply ingrained into our genetics. We’re wired to seek out the strongest, healthiest mate. When you see someone and you lust after them, it releases dopamine into your brain. You cannot prevent this or stop it once it’s happened. However, you do have the ability to control your actions and whether or not you follow through on the lust.

This is precisely why lust and pornography can be closely related to all other types of feel-good activity. It felt good, and your body said more. In fact, even love may not be what you think it is. Watch the video below for more of the science behind feelings of lust and love. It may help you to understand why some people struggle with “addictions to” or better worded, compulsions with, pornography and other sexual behaviour.

Here are three ways that your secret lust or porn watching can hurt your wife:

☝️One- Porn hurts a woman’s core need for security.

In my short class on boundaries, Break Up With Your Bad Boundaries, I share a guideline I learned at a marriage seminar with Dr. Grant Mullen. He said that everyone has fundamental core needs that should be met by God and emotional needs that should be met by our spouse. Often, we look to our spouse to fulfill those fundamental core needs. In other words, “Happiness is an inside job,” as said William Arthur Ward.

These needs are YOUR responsibility #happinessisaninsidejob:

FUNDAMENTAL CORE NEEDS

• Acceptance- a sense of belonging/feeling worthwhile.

• Identity- who you really are/significance.

• Security- secure in identity/feeling protected.

• Purpose- meaning for your life/eternal purpose.

Most basic needs to be met by your spouse (says Dr. Mullen):

FEMALE EMOTIONAL NEEDS

• Security

• Non-Sexual Affection

• Communication

• Leadership (1. Guiding children, 2. Romance, 3. Finances, 4. Spiritual)

MALE EMOTIONAL NEEDS

• Respect, Honour and Support

• Sex

• Fun and Friendship

Watching porn or lusting after someone else destroys the first of the woman’s emotional needs: security. And once you ruin a woman’s sense of security, oh man, it’s pretty hard to build back- but don’t give up! I’m here to help, and your relationship is worth the effort.

I have found that most husbands don’t understand that for many women, their sense of security does not come from having a roof over her head, money in the bank or nice clothes to wear. Those things are nice to have, but they don’t make every woman feel snug as a bug in her relationship. Otherwise, why would wealthy women have affairs?

Culture, emotional baggage, childhood experiences, trust and past relationships can all play a factor in how secure a woman feels. When it all boils down, emotional security comes up time and time again.

“If she isn’t responding to you sexually, it may have to do more with a lack of trust than a lack of attraction.” -Chuck Chapman, This is What Women Actually Want From Men, The Good Men Project

Pornography is more acceptable in the broader secular community but it will kill all feelings of emotional security for a Christian wife.

Most men don’t want to deal with their wife’s feelings, but if you don’t face it now you will have to down the road. Her lack of security will keep coming back. It will show up during sports games, while you’re at work, in your dinners, on the weekends, it’s always going to be there. Like a Robert Munch mud puddle. It’s going to grow and get bigger and bigger until everything is covered in mud. 

May as well face the music now. 

💬 TALKING TIPS

1. Don’t get angry and do not defend yourself- even if she’s wrong.

Once upon a time you won this woman’s heart and made her think you were the most amazing man in the world. You didn’t do that by yelling at her and telling her how good you are- you showed her! In fact, take it as a challenge. Can you make her fall in love with you all over again? Remember, she’s already rooting for you (even if she's angry). 

2. Listen to what she’s saying and respond appropriately.

It’s better to say, “I love you and I want to say the right thing, but I don’t know what to say to make this better,” than to say nothing at all. It’s better to apologize 100 times than to respond in silence. If you had a daughter, would you want her husband to do whatever he could to make it right if he hurt her? God thinks your wife is worth the effort too, and you will be blessed for honouring your covenant.

3. Remember her core emotional needs include NON-sexual affection.

It’s a crappy situation for you that you don’t get your sexual needs fulfilled before she gets her non-sexual needs fulfilled, but I didn’t make the biological rules. It’s how her libido works, so there’s no point in trying to fight nature. Touch is a great way to show love, but only when it’s wanted. Depending on how severe your wife’s pain is, she may not want you to touch her. If you’re not sure, just ask her.

4. Talk as long as she needs.

It doesn’t matter if you have to work the next day, your marriage matters more. If your marriage has been hurt by your actions, then man up and do the work. Think about it like a baby that doesn’t sleep or stop crying; you cannot yell at the baby, ignore the baby, or drop the baby, no matter how tired you are. One night staying up until 3:00 a.m. is a lot better than running from a mud puddle for the next three years. 

✌️Two- Porn makes her feel ugly.

Actually, you desiring anyone else runs the risk of making her feel ugly. Or old. Wrinkled. Fat. Used up. Washed up. Old news.

If you have hurt your loved one with porn or lust, it’s time to take an inventory of the beautiful women in your life. 

• Do you watch a lot of shows filled with sexy women, nudity and sex scenes? Stop watching them.

• Are you following beautiful women or celebrities on Instagram? Unfollow them (all of the Kardashians are a no).

• Do you have pictures from old relationships on your social media or computer? Delete them.

• Is there a beautiful mom at your kid’s school function? Yeah, don’t talk to her.

• Want to take your wife out to dinner? Glue your eyes to her. Stick them. Smile :)

Before you accuse your wife of having low self-esteem, this has nothing to do with her self-esteem. This has to do with the promise you made. Who gets married to be in a one-sided relationship? “I promise to love you forever, and you can love on whoever you like while I sit idly by…” Yeah, no. Christian relationships are to be monogamous, even if it’s against natural human nature.

Even the most confident wife will question her worth when she feels unwanted by the one who is supposed to have wanted her for life. I know this probably isn’t what you were thinking when you started watching pornography. Most likely you were not thinking about your wife at all. Even when our feelings fly in the face of our logic, they are still present. Validating your wife’s feelings will mean a lot to her. 

📝 FIX IT TIPS

Earlier I mentioned touch being a good way to show affection when it’s wanted. As time goes by, touch will be more appropriate as it’s an important part of her need for non-sexual affection. 

Give her hugs. Kiss her when you walk by. Tell her she looks beautiful and give her butt a little pat (LITTLE. I said little. DO NOT GRAB OR SLAP IT). Send her a text in the middle of the day to let her know you were thinking about her. Did you have a sexy dream about her? Tell her! Let her know when she is the star of your fantasies. You can also write this as a letter.

Do not proceed further, do not try to pass go or collect $200 unless you have gotten a clear as day signal that she wants you to.

What if you’re not fantasizing about your partner? Well, you better pray about it. Ask God to fill you with an overwhelming desire for your wife. Make a goal to see your wife as the most beautiful, desirable, sexiest creature on your planet. You can also pray to see your wife the way God sees her.

I used to pray God would fill me with love when I looked at my husband because I was hurt by all the things he had done through his addiction. I didn't think I could get over it, but in time, the loving feelings returned. I grew much more compassionate and patient- because of love. It wasn't perfect, but it was certainly better. 

🤟Three- Keeping secrets removes her from the relationship. 

Part of the reason porn kills a relationship is it removes the partner from the scenario. The partnership is the relationship! 

Without your wifey, it's you alone in a toxic relationship with Satan, sin, and your computer screen. In fact, why don’t you try that visual on for size? Have you seen the Montero music video by Lil Nas X? (I’m not linking it) Imagine giving Satan a lap dance? That’s what you’re doing. If you’re cool with that, I doubt you’ve read this far. But if you are, let your wife go if that doesn’t bother you. If you love her at all, release her.

If there are other secrets you’ve kept to yourself for fear of hurting your partner, but things you feel she needs to know, tell her now while she's learning the truth already. I call it truth-dumping. It’s much better to dump lies all at once than stagger their release. Trust me.

I remember a wife told me once:

“I have grace for the struggle but not for the lies.”

Every wife who has been hurt in her relationship that I have said that to since then agrees.

Not to confuse you, but telling her the truth and giving her details she can’t forget are not the same. Not everything you want to tell your wife is beneficial to her. Some things are best left unsaid because you’re only saying them to relieve yourself of your guilt. Be honest, but don’t make her your emotional dumping ground.

• Have you repeatedly tread dangerously close to the appropriate age gap while watching porn?

• Fond of man on man?

• Is it violent and very much ungodly?

If there is something you can’t tell your wife but you need to get off your chest, find a man with a great marriage to talk to. Preferably someone older than yourself. Your wife should never be your accountability person.

God blesses the man who is good to his wife. You're going to do the hard work with His support; He's got your back! In return, I hope your wife will respect that you continued to try because at the end of the day, Errrrrrrrrbody sins. Get out of the dirt. Wash it off. And stay out of the mud in the future. 

Good luck!

Leah Grey

MORE TO READ ABOUT PORN:

Previously titled: What Secretly Watching Porn Does to Your Woman (and how to fix it!) - Updated 05/4/2022.