Is My Spouse Drinking Too Much?
Two very different types of marital relationships need to be acknowledged when we're talking about alcohol; the first is a marriage that has not suffered the effects of addiction, the second has.
Before I met my husband, I had been in a few relationships. Ahem. None were like the one with my husband. For the purpose of this article, and so I don't confuse you, let's call them "typical" and "atypical" relationships.
Once, I had a boyfriend who went to a party with some friends. I was later upset to find out he had taken mushrooms and drank too much. We got into an argument, he apologized, he didn't do it again. We dated for about three years.
In a typical relationship, the person abusing a substance can decide to stop reasonably quickly. They may not choose to, but that's another story.
One night, my husband drank too much at a party with his friends and didn't come home. We got into an argument, he passed out on a bed, so I went to a hotel. He apologized defensively, he repeated his irresponsible behaviour.
In an atypical relationship, the person cannot easily stop. They may not choose to stop either, but it's often a different kind of choice because it's a decision made out of compulsion. It's not fun, it’s an obsession.
These two examples are almost identical, but the appropriate response was different.
A few weeks ago, I wanted us to look at our personal limits with alcohol because until we've dealt with ourselves, it's impossible to look at another person’s boundaries- especially in a typical relationship. Too much for me might not be too much for you. The majority of people will have conventional relationships, so we're going to look at it from that point of view!
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It always surprises me to hear what is a "problem" in a typical relationship. Because my marital issues were so extreme, smaller ones can sometimes seem silly. I know it feels big at the time, but in comparison to a family-ruining, life-threatening, bank account-draining, lying, deceiving, cheating addiction, it often isn't. This perspective has proven to be invaluable as my husband, and I venture into our fourth year of a typical, drug-free marriage. Most issues that come up are small at best, and we generally come to an agreement.
To give an example of what I think is "silly," I have spoken to women ready to divorce their spouses over their addiction to smoking (a real addiction, but not a valid reason to divorce). I have heard of wanting to get a separation because husbands don't parent children well (frustrating, but what's more damaging to the child?). And the silliest of all- not reading their Bible enough (too bad for them, I think).
I'm sure there are plenty more examples of silly reasons people have to throw in the towel on their marriage but I don’t hear many of them. By the time a woman gets to me, it's usually gotten pretty bad.
This isn't said in judgement, but said because in a typical marriage, what our spouse chooses to do isn't up to us. Marriage is a gift of friendship, romance and partnership, not a right to control someone else's decisions.
If your spouse is drinking too much and it's negatively affecting your life, you've likely crossed over into an atypical marriage.
If that is the case, the rules change. When your husband is not fit to lead or your wife not fit to parent (I apologize for the stereotypical gender roles, it's simpler that way), you must rise to the occasion and address the situation.
If your spouse enjoys having a beer after they cut the grass and you don't like it, well, there will be things in life you don't like, so I say, get used to it. Pray for them, talk to them and explain why it bothers you. If they're an honourable partner, they will listen and try to be respectful of your point-of-view, but you cannot make them change their behaviour just because you don't like it.
How do we know when our spouse has crossed from typical to atypical behaviour?
They're obsessed. It might be that the first thing your spouse does when they come home is drink. If they don't, they're miserable, and won't be happy until they do.
They spend money they don't have on alcohol. It may at the expense of family money or in lieu of paying bills. It may be that every week their paycheck goes down to zero- you'll know when it's too much.
They spend a lot of time away from you for alcohol. They may frequent bars, prefer to spend time with friends or drink alone in the garage. Wherever it is, you're not there.
They only go out with you if there is alcohol. Family reunion? They will go and have drinks. Date night? Yes, a restaurant with drinks. Pool birthday party for the kids? Not attending.
They sneak alcohol while you're not home. You go to grab that bottle of wine you saved for Thanksgiving, but it seems to have disappeared.
They anxiously wait for the weekend. When Friday rolls around, they can "relax," which means "have a few drinks, sit around and do nothing"… most every weekend.
They get drunk frequently. This alone does not indicate an addiction, it could be nothing more than childish behaviour [read: He's Just Not That Into Your Marriage], but it does need to be addressed.
How should we address a spouse’s drinking in an atypical marriage?
The Bible is clear on what to do when someone has the wrong behaviour that has hurt us:
"If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he won't listen, take one or two others with you, so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every fact may be established. If he doesn't pay attention to them, tell the church. If he doesn't pay attention even to the church, let him be like a Gentile and a tax collector to you." -Matthew 18:15-17, CSB
Q: Is their alcohol consumption hurting you, or are you being a busy-body?
Does the weekly beer your spouse likes to have after cutting the grass hurt you? No. Let it go; their alcohol consumption is between them and God. You're in a typical marriage. They aren't perfect- great! Now you don't need to be either.
Does the money your spouse is spending on booze leave you without enough for food each week? Are they angry when they can't drink? Is it creating a vast chasm in your marriage? Address it, you’re likely in an atypical marriage.
In either scenario, love your spouse. In an atypical marriage, love them all the more graciously. No one fills their emotional void with alcohol without battling overwhelming shame and loneliness. Start that conversation with a hug.
I hope that helps! Really, I’m telling you to mind your own business- unless they have a problem. But hey, it's an answer!
If you need help detaching from your spouse's behaviour and focusing on your own relationship with God, try our free devotional, The Let Go Devo. Made especially for interferers, worry-warts, and frustrated spouses!
Leah Grey
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