How To Stop Mom Guilt When One Parent is an Addict
I want to talk about mom guilt as the wife of an addict. Or mom-guilt as the ex-wife of an addict. Or mom-guilt as the mother of children with an addicted baby daddy.
What is mom guilt?
Mom-guilt is when you feel like the world's meanest, fattest, angriest, ugliest, most unsuccessful mother. You have day-mares about your kids ending up in jail and sleeping around when they are teenagers. You wear sweatpants all day and want to give up.
(Just me?)
In other words, mom guilt is the feeling that youâre messing up everything for your kids, you wish you could do more or be a better mom, or the feeling that other mothers are doing it better than you.
Mom guilt isnât always constant, and the emotions can come and go. They may like to sneak up once a month, perhaps đ.
(Just me, again? đ)
Although the feelings are valid and the fears are real, living with mom guilt is not Godâs best design for us. The Bible says that when we are weak, God will give us strength by His power (2 Cor. 12:9-11). It also says in the Bible that God will be the ultimate disciplinarian (Hebrews 12:10) because He desires Godly offspring (Malachi 2:15). So fear not, mama, because you really canât mess it up that much! You donât have that much power.
Letâs look at three different situations where mom guilt could get the best of us:
âď¸SCENARIO #1- THE WIFE OF AN ADDICT
Until death do us partâŚ
You are a mom who lives with your spouse who is currently addicted, or in recovery from, substance abuse issues or a porn/sex addiction.
For the sake of simplicity, moving forward, I will refer to porn addiction as sex addiction (even though I believe they are different).
You have children in the home with you, possibly multiple children of different ages. You might be worried that your children will grow up damaged because of what they hear and see. Worse, that they might become addicts, too. You may find it is difficult to raise the children in the way you want to. Maybe you want to have a more Biblical-oriented home. Maybe, you want to honour your cultural heritage. It might be that all you want is a home where adults watch movies that are not full of strippers and swearing.
Your big question is when it is time to leave? But you are not sure if that is the right thing for you. Maybe it is not possible for financial reasons. Maybe God told you to stay. Or maybe, you just don't want to.
âď¸SCENARIO #2- THE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED EX-WIFE OF AN ADDICT
See you later, alligator!
You are a divorced or separated wife of an addict. Your kids are with you full-time, or you have some kind of custody agreement with your ex. They may, or may not, honour that agreement.
Your kids do not see as much of the marital fighting anymore, but you may worry about them when they are with your ex. You may think things like, What if when they turn sixteen-years-old they want to go live with your ex and do drugs, too? What if they tell you that they hate you because you left their dad and now you are going to be left alone, divorced, childless, and somehow your ex has still destroyed the people you tried to save from him.
Your big question is how to protect them when they are not with you, but you are scared you can't. You would like to make sure you have your children the majority of the time, and therefore most of the influence, but the law is not in your favour. You are not sure how much time is enough time with their dad, or if he even deserves it. And worst of all, they idolize him. Ugh.
đ¤SCENARIO #3- THE NOT-WIFE OF A BABY DADDY WHO IS AN ADDICT
Ainât nobody got time for that.
You never got to have a white wedding. You sat by and watched your peers move on, get married, and have children with men who support them as equal partners. You are not quite sure where you went wrong, but you ended up having children with a man-child who decided never to grow up.
Your kids do not spend that much time with their father, he never quit partying, and it was not safe. You would never tell the kids, but the truth is he is not all that interested in having a relationship with them anyway. You feel like you make all the effort when it comes to building their child-parent bond. It makes you angry. You get all the responsibility of parenting, while they drop occasional presents and be a hero.
Your big question is who would want me now? You feel tainted, like the scarlet woman. You may find yourself settling for crappy relationships and then feeling guilty because you would hate for your kids to follow in your example. You tell them you want better for them, and pray they heed your advice. You worry about them all the time. You are lonely. When will life become easier for you?
Mom guilt starts and stops in the mind.
Clearly, there are many more dynamics in these scenarios. In my years of blogging and helping women affected by addiction, I come across these three scenarios a lot. It breaks my heart to see women stuck, sad, and lost. I want to grab them by the shoulders and shake them and scream, âWAKE UP! IT GETS BETTER! YOUR LIFE WILL BE WHAT YOU MAKE IT!â
But I also know that hopeless feeling and how overwhelming it can be. Sometimes, no amount of shaking can wake us up from the nightmare. We are trapped behind the prison bars of our minds đ¤.
Little by little, the more you practice right-thinking, the easier it will get. You will find yourself slipping less often into depression and more often into hope.
âDo not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the will of Godâwhat is good and acceptable and perfect.â
-Romans 12:2, TLV
I recently put out a new Bible study on thoughts, which you can purchase here for only $7. It is the first in a small series using stories I mashed together from real women I have met over the years.
As the wife of addiction, my thoughts were out of control! I was always afraid of what my husband might do next. People would tell me to pray and give my fears to God, but it didn't work. Frustrated, I started to wonder if God was even there at all.
Join me in my "Thoughts" Bible study series as we examine stories of women around the world and how they learned how to control their thoughts as the wives of addiction.
5 (Too Honest?) Tips to Stop Mom Guilt When One Parent is an Addict:
Check your perspective: Remind yourself of all the kids who grew up in war-torn countries. They have seen horrific, unspeakable gunfights, friends and family die, and had to learn how to avoid an IED buried in the ground. They donât have clean water, access to medical care, and they could be forced into slavery. Our kids just saw someone drunk/high and yelling like an idiot. There may have been other trauma, Iâm not trying to minimize it all, but this is to say that we are SO spoiled in developed countries. All this fear, anxiety and complaining about addiction makes me think itâs time we check our privilege. Our self-absorption might be half the problem itself. It is not our pain, it is our perspective. Need a little bit of perspective? Watch the show Stateless. It made me cry three times.
Make âno using in the houseâ a dedicated, you will not break it, life motto. I do not care what their addiction is, whether it is porn, heroin, meth, or alcohol, it is not allowed under your roof. Rise up Mama Bear and fight to the death to protect that rule. They want to watch porn? Do it in the car or the garage. They want to drink? Sit on the porch. They wonât stop using meth in the house? Buy them a tent and change the locks. Not only will this rule protect your children and give you something to be proud of yourself for, but itâs practical. If your spouse was using meth in the home and the neighbours decided to call Child Protective Services, you could lose your children. They are yours. Do not allow anyone or anything to ever get in the way of you and them.
Stop talking to normal wives about your life looking for sympathy. Seriously. Do not talk to anyone in a normal marriage. They do not get it, they never will, and it is going to make you feel like a pile of garbage. If you want to talk to them about it so they can understand better, and they sincerely want to help, show them this article and by all means talk away. But if you feel any pain telling them, stop immediately and find women who have walked through darkness. If you do not know where to start, we have a group online! There is a free, 60-day trial to see if you would like to stay on with us. If you don't no problem, cancel anytime! If you decide to stay, it is only $7 a month- which means you can change your life cheaper than a trip to Target! (I am currently trapped on the other side of the border in Canada. I have mourned my Target trips.)
Talk to your kids about mental health, anger, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It is common for the wife of an addict to suffer from PTSD, betrayal trauma, depression, mood swings/disorders, and crying spells. There were days when we lived in New York that I wanted to run to the Hudson River and jump right in. I never would- the river is so disgusting. But I wanted to float away. And there were days that seemed like the only way I could. When you look for help, and the recovery journey looks like it will go on forever, it is only natural to want to run away. The most frustrating of all is when you do all the emotional work to get better, and they do nothing. You want to be healthy, but you are traumatized. Who could live that way? Well, you CAN live that way, but only after you get those thoughts healthy first! Imagine trying to heal your body from a physical beating, but getting beat up every day. You would slightly heal, but every day it would hurt more as you got hit on the bruise. There is no difference between physical and emotional beatings. You may have to back away from what is hurting you in order to heal. After you are healthy and strong you can deal with Papa Bear again.
Find strong role models for your children to have in their lives. I think when one parent is up Schitt's Creek (do you watch that show? SO FUNNY!) It's best to bring in alternative influences. For example, you could enroll your kids in martial arts, send them to Bible camp, or ask a local church for a âbig brotherâ type if they have someone who can love on them. You could also expose them to political leaders, brilliant business-minds and environmental activists. Donât have those people in your life? Find them online. Watch documentaries. Hereâs a good one to start with that anyone can relate to. Find what makes their souls burn and pray for the right person to come and stoke that fire. Motivation is the hardest thing to cultivate in children, but a kid on a mission is literally unstoppable. Not addiction, a fire, a war- anything, will be able to stop them. Find out who and what inspires them, and you wonât have to worry about their future. And if they do grow up to be a messed up sinner, well, I guess theyâre just like the rest of us, eh? (Threw that âehâ in there for ya, Americans. Youâre welcome.)
As my motherâs very pointed physician told me once as I was crying in her office, after my husband left me to move back to New York, âIf you are okay, your kids will be okay. It is that simple.â
Nothing is perfect, and Mama? You are okay. Let go of the guilt and give your kiddos a hug. No one can ever know what tomorrow will bring. We have only today :) And today, they have you. Youâre more than enough, youâre everything they need đ¤.
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Leah Grey
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