Addicted to Approval
My parents were divorced when I was about 3 years old. I never knew my father growing up as my mother made sure he was not a part of my life. All Christmas and birthday cards were destroyed before I got to see them.
One day my mother and stepfather picked me up from school and said, “Quick! Get in the car! Your father is back in town and wants to see you.“ As I jumped in the car, I noticed a gun in the back seat. This set my heart racing.
There were many wonderful qualities about my mom. She was thoughtful, generous, and always there for school and sporting events, but she had a very critical spirit and this had many implications in my life. I was afraid of disappointing her and not having her approval.
When I got married, I made sure my husband knew exactly what he had to do to keep my mom happy. Well, after we had been married several years, we moved to the United States to live (we are from Australia🦘).
I didn’t know anything about my father, except what my mother had told me. As I grew in my walk with the Lord, I knew I needed to honor both of my parents, and one way I could do that was by praying for them.
About twelve months down the track I received a letter from my father. Amazingly, we realized this letter had taken about twelve months to find me as we looked at the date on the postmark stamp. In his letter my father expressed his desire to seek my forgiveness for any hurt he may have caused and begged to have a relationship with me. He acknowledged he had been wrong and took responsibility for his part of their difficult marriage.
You think I would have been happy to receive his letter, but I was terrified. I had no problem in forgiving him. After all, Christ had forgiven me, but I had a massive idol in my life called “my mother’s approval.” In no way would I have a relationship with him, as I did not want to lose the love of my mother. My way of dealing with it was to push the letter out of my mind and move on.
Three years later, God kept working on me and I wrote to my dad for the first time.
He quickly started corresponding with me. In his letters, he told me some of his life story and how happy he was to receive my letter. I received his letters cautiously and always in the back of my mind I worried about the implications.
Jump forward a few years 🦘🦘🦘and we are now living back in Australia 😬. My husband and I went out for a walk when suddenly I felt a darkness come over me. It was like an instantaneous thing that made me feel slightly anxious and uncomfortable. I went to bed that night and woke up early at four a.m. which left me struggling to get through the next day.
I thought, I just need to get a good night’s sleep. But the uneasy darkness stayed with me. Night after night went by and I started sleeping less and less. I also lost my appetite. It was like I was on a slippery slope that went down darker and further than I wanted to go. I had no control. I tried to look after myself. I prayed. I kept busy. And I rested… nothing helped.
After about four weeks I was in a really bad place. My body became irritated and restless. I wanted to rest, but I couldn’t. I was agitated. I tried hard to not let anyone know how I was feeling, I am not weak, I am not having a breakdown.
But I was having a breakdown!! My children were small and I did all I could to protect them (or what I thought was protecting them) and didn’t want to show any sign of weakness.
Weeks later, I sought medical help. Long story short, I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. With self-care, diet, exercise and medication, slowly things improved. When I look back, I can see what the Lord was doing.
During this time I lost complete control of my life. Normally, I could control everything and everyone in order to maintain my relationship with my mother and keep my father at a safe distance. When the breakdown happened, I could not even make a decision as to what I was going to wear for the day, let alone how I could keep the people in my life happy. From that point on, God took over.
As I looked into my heart, I knew I had to make a decision about my father. With my husband’s loving guidance, we decided it was time to contact my father and go and see him. While I knew in my heart it was the right thing, my head said otherwise.
First, my husband decided he should go and have a talk to my mom. Hello!?! This would have been unthinkable two months previously, but now I didn’t have the strength to say “No! Don’t go!” So he graciously had a talk with my mom on my behalf, something I am sure I should have done, but was too afraid to do. He expressed our gratefulness for all she had done for us, but told her it was time for me to see my father. We still loved her, but felt that this was what God was calling us to do. Her response was bitter and unwilling to cooperate. She strongly opposed it and used manipulative tactics to try and stop us from going down that path.
A few days prior, I had been reading Matthew 10:36-39 (ESV) which said, “…a person’s enemies will be those of his own household… whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me… and whoever does not take up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”
God was calling me to have a relationship with my father, but I still feared losing my mom’s approval.
With much counsel and prayer, we met my father; He was unwell, poor, and lonely. We moved him closer to us. I took him out on day trips; he loved that. I got to share the gospel with him many times. One moment of obedience turned into a seven-year period where we loved the man I had never known. I knew in my heart I had a calling from God to love him.
When he passed, there were only a handful of people at his funeral. My husband gave the eulogy and told the story of how we came together. In the background, I could hear someone crying. After the service, the funeral attendant asked me to come over to one of their fellow employees. He had tears streaming down his face as he told me that we had given him hope that he may see his children one day. I hugged him and told him I would be praying for him.
Both of my parents have not been easy to love. My father was a grumpy man on the outside, but inside he was sad and lonely. My mother was insecure, and as a result tried to control people in her life. I knew I needed to honour both of them to the best of my ability.
As a side note, I do not believe staying in an abusive relationship is necessarily the right thing to do. Seek help and protection if you need to.
My relationship with my mother continues to be strained, but it is a work in progress with much sought-after guidance from scripture and wise counsel. I have learned that Christ needs to be number one in our lives and His ways are always the best.
No amount of people-pleasing will make us happy. In fact, it can make us sick.
The Lord has changed me. He has strengthened me, given me an inexpressible joy, and taught me to accept His great love unconditionally. Nothing in this life is too hard for Him, and nothing in this life can satisfy like He can.
Truly, Jesus is enough, even if we lose everything else!
You can read more of my story and other relatable topics at, Just Take A Moment.
-Jane
Jane is in the prime of her life (fifties, yeah!!!). She is married to Mark and has three young adult children who are all starting to make their own life following Jesus and leaving His footprints wherever they go. She loves reading, date nights with her hubby, quality time with her kiddos and also encouraging and supporting other women at her local church as they live life together. She can be found at her website, Just Take a Moment. She would love you to join her online family and hear from you about your own journey. Social? Follow her on Facebook!
