Previously, we talked about making the decision to divorce a spouse struggling with addiction. One of the most devastating realities of addiction is having to let go of a marriage, but sometimes it’s necessary for our survival and their well-being.  

Boundaries save lives!

Allowing someone to hurt in order to help them doesn't seem like a very Godly thing to do. Some days, I would feel like, "Ha, you're getting what you deserve!" Most of the time, I did not like seeing my husband in agony.

But… protecting someone is NOT Godly! 😲

God shows us in His Word that He does allow us to hurt- often! God is the King of natural consequences. If we apply Godly principles of boundaries to our marriage, there will be times we need to get out of the way and stop intervening ✋ in God's natural consequences.  

Not sure if you’re intervening in the consequences of addiction? Here are three things to 🛑STOP✋ doing-

COVERING THEIR BUTTS WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY:

If our spouse has caused us too much pain, our families and friends may downright hate them. That’s hard because it makes reconciliation down the road much more difficult. But, it doesn’t mean that we should keep what's going on to ourselves.

👎If we’re not speaking about what’s going on because we don’t want to damage our husband or wife’s reputation, that’s not a good reason.

👍If we’re keeping their addiction to ourselves because our family’s involvement makes life more stressful for us, that’s a good reason.

Use your judgement here! Listen to that voice in your head that says, “Eh, better not say that,” which takes practice to listen to (that was a Canadian inner voice- ehhhhh!).

Being disliked by friends and receiving the disapproval of family because of addiction is a natural consequence. 

HELPING THEM KEEP THEIR JOB: 

"Wake up! Go to work!"

We justify this because money makes the world go round, but this is totally intervening.

Yes, it sucks if your spouse loses their job, but at the same time, we must trust that God will take care of us. I don’t say this lightly, I’ve walked this out. It is a huge leap of faith to trust God with the physical provision, food, and finances. My husband was the only one working for all of our marriage, so when he did lose his job (unrelated to addiction, how’s that for God’s sense of humour!) it was devastating.

If your loved one can't be trusted with a vehicle, they will have to find another way to work. That's the natural consequence of drinking and driving. They can walk, ride a bike (people can ride bikes VERY far! Bonus- they'll stay in shape!), take a bus, take an Uber, carpool with a friend, or find a new job. If they can’t drive and you live in the middle of nowhere, maybe they or you both need to move where there is work.

And if they don't have any friends left to help them get to work? #notyourproblem

I realize this might not be possible in every person’s situation, but in 9/10 it will be. Sometimes, we are too comfortable or scared to have good boundaries. If you have to sell your home, God will find you the perfect place for you to be. Don’t be attached to these material things, they mean nothing.

I was always in awe of my one cousin who lost her license for a while and went on to have a very successful career working on boats, sometimes for celebrities! That’s the attitude you want to see. Fighter! Independent! Resilient!

GIVING THEM MONEY: 

Again, tricky! If you're married and keep your finances separate, it might be difficult to convince your wayward spouse to suddenly give up their freedom. I want to say, “To each his own,” but I don’t think it’s right for addiction- EVER. Separate finances in your marriage affected by addiction is a breeding ground for secrets.

I have heard of too many wives who didn’t know their homes were put up as collateral for gambling addiction, husbands going out with girlfriends with their secret cash, and wives who use their pools to hide their shopping problems. Not to be stereotypical, but the numbers are not stereotyping.

If your finances are combined and you’re a stay-at-home mom, you may run into opposition trying to separate them and hear, “I earned the money, it’s mine.” That’s the response of a jerk. You don’t deserve it, don’t put up with it.

The response to that is very simple, a quick legal separation with plenty of evidence of their addiction will split the house proceeds in half (if you own one), ensure child support and likely spousal. You might not have access to the full paycheck, but if they’re responding that way, you probably don’t anyway. I’m going to guess they’re letting you have the crumbs to feed the children and keep the household running.

If they have an addiction and they’re spending a lot of money on it, you should control the finances. This will go against most of the advice of professionals, I’m sure, but it’s the best way. It’s no codependent, it’s not enabling, it’s just plain old smart. Protect your assets! Open up a separate savings account, preferably with interest, and save save save save.

I’ll talk more about being smart with finances in another post because it’s something I’m very passionate about!

I can give advice but each situation is so different, I cannot tell you exactly what to do. Here are some ways to help you figure out if you need to separate:

Bad reasons to stay married to (or not kick out) an addict💣

1. LOVE

Don’t stay because you love them. There’s a reason they say people become, “lovesick.” Stay because you know it’s right. Stay because God has given you hope and knowledge that your loved one will change. Stay because you know the season isn’t over yet and you need to wait until spring. Stay because deep, deep down in your soul you can feel that it’s something you have to do.

Love doesn’t make a relationship work, it only makes it worthwhile.

2. MONEY

Finances are fluid. They come and go. We trust God to answer our prayers for healing and happiness but seldom with our finances (it's difficult, I know). Our Father is rich, my friends. Ask Him to take care of you and He will. 

“Consider the birds of the sky: They don’t sow or reap or gather into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren’t you worth more than they?” -Matthew 6:26 (CSB)

Being realistic, I understand there are practical reasons money can hold us back from leaving. We don't have a family to take us in, we don't have the deposit for a rental, our credit is shot because our credit cards are maxed out, we have little kids at home and cannot afford daycare- there are reasons! But money can only be the reason for so long.

Maybe you're not able to leave right now but you know that if you had the finances, you would. So start saving! If you saved $5 a day for a whole year, you would have $1,825. Sure, a year seems like a long time but how long have you felt the way you do? How many years have you been in a toxic situation? That same five dollars a day, in three years, would be $5,475. 

In the meantime, pray for provision. Maybe God will send you a tax-back check from the government (that happens! When I was a struggling, single mother I got random checks ALL THE TIME! Almost always, exactly enough to cover what I was short for). Maybe God will allow you to make money from home, or a job that has daycare available.

Whatever the solution- stay faithful that it will come. Do not resolve that you are going to always be stuck in a bad situation. We have more tips on finances in our free resource library! Check out the financial edition of the Liberty Zine.

Do you need help figuring out if you're in an abusive situation? Here are three posts to help!

• What Kind of Abuse is It? Five Traits of a Narcissist

• 25 Signs You’re Experiencing Emotional Abuse

• The Day God Set Me Free from My Marriage

3. LONELINESS

Being alone is a beautiful thing. I'm not just saying that because I'm a mom and feel like I haven't been alone since I had children (okay, it's a little bit because I'm a mom and I haven't been alone since I had children!), but the Bible teaches us that God is in the lonely places. Jesus often went off to be alone to seek His Father- without distraction, we have plenty of time to do the same. 

If you’re in a place where you know that you have to leave the situation but you’re afraid to be alone, spend more alone time with God in your home- right now. Practice sitting in a quiet place, reading His Word and listening for His voice. The more time we spend with God, the less afraid we become of loneliness because we come to realize we are never alone.

Being afraid of loneliness is not a loving action, it's fear and there is no fear in love (1 John 4:18). God specializes in turning broken people into blessings- yes, I said that right! Broken people with broken lives have a special and unique ability to bless others with their empathy, understanding and compassion. [Read: Your Mess is Going to Make an Awesome Ministry]

You could be the most fabulous broke person ever! *snap *snap *snap

4. FEAR OF DIVORCE

Oh no, not the divorced Christian! Even worse, the divorced Christian who everyone thinks has the perfect husband.

"Tut, tut, tut, such a shame," they'll say, "Her poor husband! She's always miserable- who could live with that!". It gets worse still when blame is put on top of blame because not only are you now the divorced Christian, but you're the divorced Christian who drove your husband to have an affair.    

Seriously. People really say these things!

Well, sometimes people are stupid. They know nothing about what happened behind closed doors. Regardless of the situation, divorce is always difficult and painful (not to mention expensive!). Even if both parties want to leave, it doesn't make it easy. 

Christians do get divorced. Sometimes it's for a good reason, and sometimes they simply give up. Considering the amount of shame that goes along with being a divorced Christian, I believe it's safe to first presume there was a good reason. 

I'm not trying to condone divorce, I simply want to remove the shame of it for those who it is right for. Yes. Right for. There are times divorce is necessary. Even if you're a Christian.

In the midst of a bad situation, divorce is not a lack of faith, it is not inappropriate or unforgivable. It's very important to study the original Hebrew and to take the teachings on divorce in their original context.

"Didn’t God make them one and give them a portion of spirit? What is the one seeking? Godly offspring. So watch yourselves carefully, so that no one acts treacherously against the wife of his youth. 'If he hates and divorces his wife,' says the Lord God of Israel, 'he covers his garment with injustice,' says the Lord of Armies. Therefore, watch yourselves carefully, and do not act treacherously."

-Malachi 2:15-17 (CSB)

People often quote this verse as "God hates divorce" but that translation is WRONG. It makes it sound like God will hate us if we get divorced and that couldn't be farther from the truth- God is just as sad about it as we are. I'm not going to go into this too much, but long story short, this verse (in a more accurate translation) shows us it is not the divorce that is the PRIMARY error but the error is found in the one who has "dealt TREACHEROUSLY with their wife". 

"But if the unbeliever leaves, let him leave. A brother or a sister is not bound in such cases. God has called you to live in peace."

-1 Corinthians 7:15 (CSB)

Can a person consumed by addiction, hatred, malice, slander and evil spirits, who has replaced dependence on God for dependence on an idol- be “one” with a believer? Would God join light and dark together?

"So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

-Matthew 19:6 (CSB)

No. As "true Christians", we cannot be one with someone who has so much darkness in them. It's not physically possible for light to be one with the darkness. 

"Don’t become partners with those who do not believe. For what partnership is there between righteousness and lawlessness? Or what fellowship does light have with darkness?"

-2 Corinthians 6:14 (CSB)

There are a lot more verses to back up that theory.

All that said, addiction in itself is not necessarily a cause for divorce. God is the King of restoration! As I said in the previous post on divorce, each situation is unique.

Only God can release you from your marriage and He will if it's right. But God also enables us to stay in situations that are difficult. A praying, Christian wife has an inherent "power" (through faith) to bring healing and restoration to her marriage through the power of the Holy Spirit and petitioning to the Lord.

"But I (not the Lord) say to the rest: If any brother has an unbelieving wife and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. Also, if any woman has an unbelieving husband and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce her husband. For the unbelieving husband is made holy by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy by the husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is they are holy."

-1 Corinthians 7:12-14 (CSB)

The only one who really knows what you need to do is God. He will tell you and you can trust what He says.

Good reasons to stay married to (or not kick out) an addict💍

1. YOUR SPOUSE IS TRYING

I mean, really trying. It takes a long time to change years of addictive behaviour. Don’t expect a quick recovery! A month in rehab isn’t going to cut it. ONE YEAR in rehab isn’t going to either. This is a long, hard road. But you know what? If you make it through this, your marriage can make it through anything.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control..." -Galatians 5:22-23 (CSB)

Practice makes perfect, right? When they relapsed, did they drag themselves to a meeting and fess up or did they hide it from you? Are they back to their old bad habits and friends, or are they trying to refrain from them as best they can? If they’re putting recovery into practice, it’s a solid effort worth staying around for. 

2. YOU ARE PREGNANT AND NEED HELP

When I was pregnant, I couldn’t stomach starting over. My husband wasn’t home a lot, he was spending a lot of money, but he wasn’t hurting me. The kids thought he was working, so they were not being harmed.

I have high-risk pregnancies. I’m not allowed to do anything that makes me too tired and I stay on partial bedrest. My doctor would not have supported me getting a job, and even told me at one of my appointments to make sure I didn’t try.

The stress of deciding if I should enforce boundaries and lay down the law with my husband while I was pregnant was more damaging than my husband’s behaviour at that point. I gave myself permission to wait.

And you know what happened? God intervened when I got out of the way! That pregnancy marked the beginning of a real life-change for my husband.

3. YOU WANT TO HONOUR GOD

If staying in your marriage is a personal decision that you have made out of obedience to God- He will take care of you. We honour Him when we stay out of a place of servitude and faith (not fear or condemnation!). 

The Bible clearly upholds the reverence of marriage to God, so doing all we can to have a healthy relationship with our spouse will not go unnoticed.

It is totally possible to take emotional or physical time and space from your spouse without dissolving the marriage should you need to. You can be married and not live in the same house and go back to dating like teenagers. Maybe for a time, they need to live in a halfway house or in the spare room. There are a lot of scenarios. Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to dissolve your marriage unless you’re ready to.

The only disclaimer for that is if they are hitting you and you keep returning, recognize there is something wrong with your judgement and it’s not in a healthy place to make decisions. You can seek professional support, but if you’re not ready for that, make sure someone in your life knows. Find a place you can go to close by if you ever need to run. Don’t end up on the news, girlfriend 📰.

4. STAY FOR THE KIDS

Woah, here we go. Let me clarify before I break Twitter.

IF your spouse is:

A) Sincerely trying to stay sober/clean/free from their issue.

B) Committed to their health.

C) Dedicated to the children.

D) Bringing in at least an equal income and contributing financially.

E) Madly in love with you.

...and you’re still considering leaving because you can’t get over the hurt, consider your little people (If you have them of course).

Children should never be in a toxic environment or in harm’s way [Read: How Does a Parent’s Addiction Affect the Child?] but if the environment is tough, not toxic… consider them.

Divorce is also difficult and can be traumatizing for children. Going between two homes with two sets of rules can be challenging. What happens if your spouse resumes their addiction on the weekend they have the kids? What happens if they get totally clean, have a Jesus-reckoning, get a six-pack and start dating some new woman? What if they move far away and you have to send your kids on an airplane for summer visits?

If all the pieces of recovery are in place but you’re sick and tired of waiting, out of trust and totally over it, it's important to consider your kids.

Also, consider if there’s a possibility of them being in harm’s way with joint custody because of your state laws, it might not be safer.

My husband is stone-cold sober and I still wouldn’t want him raising my kids without me there. They’d be dressed in pyjamas, playing video games, and covered in Cheetos, before going to bed without brushing their teeth at midnight. I love him, but parenting is not his God-given gift.

"Then Peter approached him and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? As many as seven times?' 'I tell you, not as many as seven,' Jesus replied, 'but seventy times seven.'"

-Matthew 19:21-22 (CSB)

(I was right there with you, Peter- seven times forgiving was hard enough!)

Remember, Being in Recovery is Not an Internal Renewal

Like an addiction, recovery has many types. Everyone’s journey through recovery is going to be different. Some will soak up instruction and fully complete every step of a twelve-step program. Others will be resistant to change and rebel within personal limits. Let your spouse find their own recovery groove.

There’s no guarantee any recovery process will work but as I said in the previous post, it will be their choice to make. 

Going into recovery doesn’t mean they become new people. Your spouse can stop their drug of choice and still be the same... just, sober. It’s hard to believe after going through such a difficult process that anyone could come out unchanged, but it does happen.  

And if they do come into recovery unchanged on the inside, it doesn’t mean they won’t still change in the future. My husband was a dry-addict for almost two years. He behaved like he was on drugs even when he wasn’t.

Behaviours like lying, manipulating my emotions, rebellion, and getting obsessed with wacky ideas all lingered well into early recovery. Over time, they changed. But it took a lot of personal work on my husband’s part to get there, it was not something I could do for him. All I could do was to forgive him and make the process easier.

If recovery means they’re no longer abusing their drug of choice, then a renewal is a changed attitude and mindset. Renewal, not recovery, will lead to the restoration of your relationship.

It will hopefully also lead to them grasping their true identity as a son or daughter of Christ. Remember, spiritual maturity is something many Christians haven't even experienced, and some never will.

Recovery is good, but renewal is what we should hope, pray, and wait for. 

If I had to give it a time limit, I would say to wait for five years into recovery. If things haven’t changed, you gave it a good effort. That will give you some time to get that savings account going, too!

If you’re in a place where you need to make some decisions I hope this helps in some way! Pray a lot. There is rarely a perfect solution to anything. Sometimes our options are equally good and bad. We look for the solution that’s going to be the best one but there isn’t one choice obviously outweighing the other.

That’s O.K. The beautiful thing about making choices in faith is that God can bless us even when we do the wrong thing. May God bless you as you go forward in your time of trouble. 

"The Lord is near the brokenhearted; he saves those crushed in spirit." -Psalm 34:18 (CSB)

If you need some support while you’re walking this out, click here to access the free resource library. In it, you’ll find a free 10-day series on letting go, videos, worksheets, a 60-day trial for our support group, Habit, and more!

Leah Grey

Updated May 17, 2020. Previously titled: When is the Right Time to Leave an Addict? (Part Two)