When is the Right Time to Divorce an Addict?

Addiction has many faces and the decision to assert the boundary to "leave an addict” isn’t always clear. Knowing when to end a marriage is a very personal choice. You're the only one who knows if you're really done. Have you been trying to "figure …

In my experience, the struggle with addiction is not normally what the media portrays. Yes, there are many people who seem to have walked off the television show Intervention (or need to go on it!) but not everyone who struggles with addiction is like that.

When it comes to decision-making and laying down boundaries, I always felt like the families of the "they-obviously-need-help-for-their-addiction" had it easy because it's so blatantly obvious their loved one needs to go to treatment (like, yesterday).

If they refuse to go, the addicted person is living so destructively that they need to separate physically from the person. As difficult as the process still is the answer is clear, without change divorce will be inevitable.

But what about when the damage isn't obvious?

Not only are there individual reactions to addiction, but there are different kinds of addictions. The choice to assert the boundary to "leave an addict” isn’t always clear.

For example, if you went to therapy and told them your husband had a pornography addiction, you might get one of these three responses:

1. Why don't you join him? Maybe it'll be fun!
2. Why is he looking at porn- what's missing in your relationship?
3. He has an addiction, it's a disease.

If you told your secular therapist (not all!) you wanted a divorce because of pornography, they may not take you seriously.

For the Christian woman, a husband's pornography addiction is not only morally offensive but spiritually destructive. Seeking help for a problem that isn't obviously hurting her can not only be confusing- it can be downright damaging when the response is, “You need to calm down.”

In my own experience, I was told multiple times I was the problem in my marriage for being such a prude. If maintaining a traditional standard of monogamy and morality in keeping the joy of a healthy, sexual relationship between husband and wife is considered prudish- fine. I'll happily be a prude.

#prudeprideparade🌈

Until recently, porn seemed to be only a Christian problem. But with the rise of the No-Fap Movement and the increasing conversation amongst non-Christians about the effects of pornography on their sex lives, we’re now seeing it’s a more dangerous addiction than we once believed.

Sex addiction of any kind doesn’t only damage the wife, it damages the addict themselves. We assume that sex addiction “feels good” and that’s why they do it, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

What happened in my marriage.

My husband did not have an obvious addiction. Most people close to him didn’t even know he had one and were shocked when he went to rehab. They blamed me and thought I was taking away his fun when in truth, he had struggled with addiction long before I came along. But the effects of his high-functioning addiction still hurt me and it was incredibly painful. He worked long hours, would not come home some nights, he spent an incredible amount of money, he lied to me daily, the list goes on.

Just because the addiction wasn’t obvious, didn’t make it any less destructive.

Now, I talk to women with spouses who have addictions daily and I haven’t seen the effects of these addictions being better or worse from whether the addiction was high-functioning, or not. There is no clear, one-size fits all answer for staying in the marriage or getting a divorce. So let’s start with this-

Is the addiction damaging you?

It doesn't have to. I didn’t stay with my husband because I couldn’t live without him, I stayed because I knew down to my soul that it was right. Please don’t misunderstand, I do love my husband very much, but I knew I would be okay no matter what happened and was fine to stay or start over.

I also knew recovery was a choice that only my husband could make.

I remember one day in particular, I was driving to pick up my son from school trying to desperately “figure out” what to do.

"Am I supposed to divorce him?"
"Will he ever change?"
"Would I be happier without him in my life, at least until he decided to stay sober?"

I drove down a hill where I was about to make a left turn and I heard God say to me in my heart:

"You see these roads? You could go either way. Whichever way you choose to go, I will be with you and you will be taken care of. There is no wrong turn- it's up to you."

It was up to me. Whatever I wanted to do, it would be fine.

I wanted my family. I wanted my husband. I wanted to honour the vows I made. I made the choice that my heart truly desired and chose to stay married because my husband's health and healing was my ultimate, best-case scenario, winning situation. And in that moment, I instantly felt peace.

Being patient doesn’t mean we have to stay in unhealthy circumstances.

At the time this happened, my husband was still using drugs. I moved out of our apartment and waited for him to make up his mind about whether he would go to rehab. Even though I chose my marriage, my life didn’t stop moving forward. I kept my boundaries and left the chaotic atmosphere that was hurting my children and myself.

I needed to make a safe home for my children and until my husband was a “safe” person to be around, he wasn’t welcome in our lives.

Could I force my husband into treatment? No. He had to go willingly. It was also possible he would choose not to go. But regardless of what he decided to do, I wasn’t going to sit waiting with my life on hold while he made up his mind. I had already made up mine and I had a wonderful life ahead of me!

WHAT I DECIDED:

I would not divorce my husband because I trusted God would intervene.
I was leaving the intimate relationship and physical proximity, but not our marriage. He wasn’t allowed to cheat and neither would I.
We would live with my parents until my husband was in recovery. If he took over a year, I would buy a house in Canada and open a salon in my home.

Knowing when to end a marriage is a personal choice.

You're the only one who can decide when you’re ready for a divorce. If your heart is filled with love for your spouse and the decision is breaking your heart, maybe separation would be better. I am a huge advocate for separation because it protects you financially while also giving you time apart to see what happens.

Beyond that, you’re also the one God will tell to stay or go. Ask God to give you guidance. He may ask you to stay with them, trust Him, or He may do what He did with me and let you choose. Search your heart in prayer and ask yourself this one question: What is YOUR ultimate, best-case scenario, winning situation?

God will be with you wherever you go.

Do you need help figuring this out?

Sometimes a decision is too emotional, with too many layers, that we need some help figuring it out. That’s totally normal! If you need help walking this out, I highly recommend taking my eCourse on boundaries, UnBound Me.

In four weeks, I’ll teach you what boundaries are (and what they are not!), why we need them, how to apply them to our lives, and what to do if our spouses don’t follow through. I’ll walk you through how to set boundaries for your life that make sense for you individually and that you feel peace about with God.

Most of the time, the ladies set boundaries and decide to work it out, but for some people that may mean divorce. It all depends on the situation! There is no judgement or set layout whatsoever 🤗. We’re going at your pace and doing what’s best for you.

Don’t forget to read Part Two of this article!