There's no secret that living with an addicted loved one is HARD! There are a thousand complications and nuances that make these relationships different from those we experience with the healthy and free people we love.
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I fell into a marriage with addiction, by fall, I mean, fell head over heels. I didn't want to live a perfect life, and I loved the party. I have always found going to a bar to be more enjoyable than Bible study. When I was first introduced to drugs, I thought they were fantastic. Aside from the fact that my parents were going to kill me, for the first time in my life, I wasn't shrouded in insecurity. The alternative crowd, the everything-in-moderation mentality, the excitement of the rave- it made me feel like I could be myself; darkness and all.
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I used to think bravery meant fighting for victory. I’d push my way forward, take the leap and conquer my fiercest fears. My bold actions were the “proof” of my courage. And while it’s true that bravery can be found in doing these things, the most recent years of my life have revealed a quieter form of courage. It’s a silent strength that comes in the shape of surrender, something I’ve never been great at.
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From heroin addiction to sharing her story of transformation on CBN, Mariah is truly an inspiration!
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The recovery process is a rollercoaster.
There’s an expectation that when the addiction stops, so do the issues. Now that the dreaded addiction is gone, your life can go back to normal. The problem is, there is no “normal” anymore. After addiction, your normal is “dysfunctional”. Normal is “messy”. Normal is “chaos”. Normal is “fighting”. Normal is “tension”. Normal is “mistrusting”. Normal is “out of control”.
Is it possible for life to be normal after addiction?
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"I don't know if I even believe in God."
The words out of my husband's mouth shocked me. He had recently returned home from a faith-based rehab that I "just knew" was going to purge his mind of all things addiction, and turn him into the husband I'd always dreamed of having. To be honest, his admittance made me angry.
Read More"You shouldn't even be alive! How have you still not surrendered to God? Really? You got us to where we are now, and you still think you can fix this on your own?!? Ugh."
In my marriage, there have been many ups and downs. I'd love to say there have been more ups than downs but I feel like that may be a lie. But it's not like I have been feeling bad for all these years!
Do you know what I mean?
In addiction circles, they call this, “practicing detachment” which essentially means we aren’t allowing the decisions and actions of others to affect our mood, thoughts and feelings.
I teach a lesson on detachment in my eCourse on how to make good, Godly boundaries. The course, 'UnBound Me', is currently being updated and will be relaunched later in 2018 but today, I’d like to talk more in-depth about detachment.
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Dear wife of the sex addict,
Good morning, sweet lady. What’s good about it, though, right? Your whole world has been shaken, and you’re not even sure you can force yourself to put one foot in front of the other, much less agree that it’s a “good” morning. I know.
Betrayal takes everything.
Everything you once knew and everything you once treasured is just... gone. All that was sure is no longer sure and you don’t understand. You feel lost... broken... lonely.
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The trouble with addiction is the people who have them are good people. Hurting maybe, but often, still good. At the very least, they’re human beings that we care about or have a history with.
In my experience, those who struggle with addiction are not normally what the media portrays. Yes, there are many people who seem to have walked off the television show, “Intervention” (or need to go on it!) but not all are like that. When it comes to decision-making and laying down boundaries, I always felt like the families of the "severely addicted" had it easy because it's so blatantly obvious their loved one needs to go to treatment. If they won’t go, then they need to be left alone to hit their rock bottom.
As difficult as the process still is, the struggle is clear for all to see.
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While it is tempting to equate all kinds of abuse as pretty much the same, narcissistic abuse has a few characteristics outside the boundaries of emotional abuse. Obviously narcissistic abusers are emotionally abusive, but the goals of a narcissist are significantly different from those of a person who is emotionally abusive. Knowing the difference is helpful. Narcissistic abuse requires a different approach to recovery, though the healing path from any kind of abuse is difficult.
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Have you ever broken a boundary- with yourself?
Tell me if this sounds like you,
“Okay... today, I’m going to be awesome! I’m going to wake up early, eat something healthier than cereal, do my hair real nice, exercise, be a successful human being and rock my life”.
And then morning comes. And your bed feels so nice. The covers are warm, you bring out an arm from your nestled cove and the air is cold! Zip! Retreat!
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