How to Support a Friend Whose Loved One is an Addict
The best way to describe how it feels to have a loved one battling addiction is isolating.
It’s difficult to relate to other people because your life is chaotic and spinning around unhealthy, unpredictable behaviour.
It’s hard to make commitments, like volunteering for church activities or children’s school trips, because you’re overwhelmed and never know what will happen from day to day.
Going to work to deal with different kinds of problems can be a relief if you get yourself motivated to go, but some days it’s too much to handle.
Inviting friends over for coffee is generally out of the question because you never know what your home will be like that day. It's more peaceful to withdraw than reach out.
If you’re the wife of an addict, being around other couples is almost unbearable. Especially at church. It’s hard to make conversation with other wives or mothers, “Oh, you made 300 cookies for the school bake sale? Made all your kids snacks from scratch? Your husband watched the kids and sent you to the spa for your birthday? And then you came home to a fully cooked dinner? Wow… um, my husband... he, um... wow, that's really great. Yeah, I’d love to help out but…" Cue: Loneliness, jealousy, bitterness, resentment, insecurity, unhappiness and a great big ol’ “Why, God?!”.
More than likely, your friend or family member is having a very hard time with a dark cloud hovering over everything they do. If you've ever experienced grief, you know small things feel like big things. Addiction can feel like a constant state of grief. There are moments of joy, but overall it's extremely painful.
If your friend is executing the daily tasks of life and seems to be doing well- don't be fooled, they’re being strong.
If your friend is overwhelmed and not accomplishing much- they are not weak, the effects of addiction have become too much for them to bear.
Q- “My friend doesn’t talk about their loved one’s addiction. Why?”
A- They feel like you don’t get it.
Living with addiction is scary. Even when it’s someone else with the addiction, you live in their darkness you can’t escape it (not easily, but you can find freedom! If you’d like to help your friend in a huge way, gift them our class on boundaries, UnBound Me).
Living with addiction is an emotional rollercoaster. When your addicted person starts to do better, you get cautiously hopeful, but too often, they relapse and it hurts all over again. The moments of normalcy are what drives you to keep going. When the switch flips you're devastated, but not surprised. This might look cynical, but it’s healthy and understanding of the nature of addiction.
When your loved one has an addiction, you want to fix them, but you know you can’t. It can leave you feeling helpless to watch them destroy themselves. On the other hand, they’re not always kind. Addiction can make the nicest person cruel, selfish, angry, and manipulative. They lie. Some days, they hate you. Others, they love you. You know this is part of their brokenness so you feel compassion, but your compassion can make things worse. So you make “boundaries” to keep you safe from physical and emotional harm. These boundaries and your compassion are constantly at odds with one another because what you know is right, doesn’t feel good. Deep down, they usually know they need your boundaries, but they still hate you for it.
Tough love hurts your friend more than it does their loved one.
Q- Why didn’t it get better after rehab?
A- Addiction is different for everyone. What works for one, might not for another.
When your friend’s loved one is in early recovery, nothing has really changed. Sober doesn’t make it all better. When a loved one goes into recovery, the nervousness and hurts are still there. The boundaries still need to be in place. Recovery from addiction is a "long narrow road."
"Go in through the narrow gate. The gate to destruction is wide, and the road that leads there is easy to follow. A lot of people go through that gate. But the gate to life is very narrow. The road that leads there is so hard to follow that only a few people find it."
-Matthew 7:13-14 (CEV)
It's important that as a friend of someone going through this, you understand the high likelihood of relapse because 40%-60% of people addicted to substances relapse [Source].
Here are some relapse statistics on the most common addictions:
48% of people addicted to marijuana relapse. [Source]
42% of people addicted to hallucinogens relapse. [Source]
52.2% of meth addicts relapse. [Source]
61.9% of cocaine addicts relapse. [Source]
68.4% of alcoholics relapse. [Source]
78.2% of heroin addicts relapse. [Source]
Gambling addiction has a relapse rate of 80%-90% within the first year. [Source]
Sex addiction has one of the highest relapse rates of 91%-94% within five years even with regular 12-step program attendance, sex-addiction peer support and therapy. [Source]
Sadly, there's also a growing mortality rate among substance abuse users, so if that's the addiction your friend is dealing with, she's carrying that fear around too.
Deaths due to drug overdoses have climbed significantly in recent years, jumping 102 percent between 1999 and 2010 alone to make it the leading cause of injury death in America ahead of traffic accidents and gun-related incidents. [Source]
Although there are many different types of addictions, most compulsive behaviours leave family members feeling the same way. Even in sobriety, your friend may find they now have to deal with undiagnosed or increasing mental illness in their loved one (think, bipolar disorder, chronic depression, and suicidal tendencies).
I hope this helps to give some insight into what your friend or family member might be feeling. I know it sounds terribly depressing, but don't despair! Recovery does happen, treatment can work, and most importantly- God does heal.
How to help your friend or family member feel supported.
1. ASK IF THEY WANT TO TALK
We need and want to talk. We feel very alone, and don’t want to be! This isn’t a topic that’s difficult for us to discuss. If we seem hesitant to talk, it’s because we aren’t sure what you can handle hearing. What we say might shock you. We’re often ashamed of our lives and wish our story belonged to someone else. We don’t want to be told what to do, just heard. If we didn’t want to talk that day, ask again later.
If we’re complaining too often, try taking us out for dinner and let us really get it off our chest. Then say gently it’s time to stop complaining about it now and figure out what we will do about it, instead. You will protect your friend from themselves because constantly complaining only makes them feel worse.
"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him."
-James 1:2-5 (NKJV)
2. BE ON THEIR SIDE
Our addicted loved ones are already putting all the blame on us for their behaviour. There is a tremendous amount of guilt and confusion that comes with loving an addict.
Mothers feel guilty for not seeing the warning signs and being unable to protect their children from harm.
Wives feel guilty for taking on the “head of household” role and not being sweet enough.
Siblings feel ignored, their lives aren’t as important because they’re the “healthy” ones, but then feel guilty for feeling selfish.
We need to know you support us. You may not agree with everything we say or do, but as our friends please trust us and have our back.
3. IF THEY HAVE KIDS, BABYSIT FOR A DAY (OR TEN)
Take the children to the movies, the park, or pick them up from school. Take them anywhere. We’ll pay for it if we can. It takes much effort to be a loving, caring parent on a normal day. Throw in addiction? Fuggedaboutit. We are exhausted. Silence, a hot bath, some candles and a glass of “I’m not an alcoholic” wine is just what we need (or a delicious iced tea, if we live sober). An outing, alone, to Target… anywhere! It will help more than you know.
4. GIVE THEM A SMALL TOKEN TO SAY, “I’M THINKING ABOUT YOU.'“
Flowers, a card, a pretty scarf, a cupcake, some nice coffee- it’s the thought that counts. Our needs are seriously ignored. A small gift does two things: tells us we have value and reminds us we’re not alone. A little goes a long way!
5. BE ON THE LOOKOUT TO CHANGE THEIR ENVIRONMENT.
Have we been griping about not having time to paint the bathroom? Do our flowerbeds look neglected? Is our couch old and peeling into shreds? Do our windows need cleaning? Have we become a bit of a hoarder? Anything you can do to help our physical environment will help us feel better on the inside.
6. BAKE THEM A CASSEROLE.
I say it all the time but, No One Brings You A Casserole When Your Husband Goes to Rehab (book is coming out soonish). I’m not sure why this is such a big thing to me, but it is. It could be because I personally dislike the everyday mundane of cooking dinner, or because a meal does wonders for the soul. If your friend or family member has children you won’t only be blessing them but the entire family (I'd love a dairy-free, wheat-free, macaroni and cheese casserole if anybody's interested).
7. ASK HOW THEY ARE- FOR REAL.
People often ask, “How’s it going?” or “How’s things?” and we obligingly say, “Fine. Good. I’m fine. The kids are good.” What we really want to say is, “Things are NOT good. I am NOT okay. The kids are having a tough time,” but often, people don’t really want the truth. They ask because it’s polite. If you ask us with sincerity how we really are, when things are tough we will remember you’re the one who always cared to ask.
8. IF YOU KNOW SOMETHING THEY DON’T, TELL THEM.
Good friends don’t hold secrets in their hair! #meangirls Please don’t hide truths from us, it’s not helpful to keep us in the dark. We need to know what’s really happening so we can react accordingly. This is especially true for spouses. Dear friends of our addicted spouse, if you know something please tell us. A hard truth doesn’t bring more pain, it begins freedom. Living in uncertainty makes us bounce back and forth between compassion and asserting boundaries because without the truth, it’s hard to know what to do. Trust that we love them and will do what is best for them. Trust also that we know what that is; we have been sitting in the passenger seat, after all.
9. IF YOU SEE RED FLAGS, SPEAK UP!
Being on the outside looking in, you might see behaviour we are accustomed to and spot the backslide before we do. Our love for them can be blinding. We hope for the best and want to get to a place of trust so we unintentionally overlook or make excuses for wrong behaviour. Be fairly warned, we may not receive warning well, but it'll remain in our subconscious.
10. PRAY FOR THEM.
People often brush prayer off as being “wishy-washy” but heartfelt prayer is powerful. I know prayer can soften the heart of someone with an addiction, I've seen it happen!
Some specific things you can pray for:
Supernatural, unexplainable peace
For God to make the actions He wants them to take clear
Their mouth to be silenced in wisdom during heated moments
For the right people to be in their life
For their loved one to have a desire to get to the root of their pain
Healing for her loved one’s hearts
“The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? But I, the Lord, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve.”
-Jeremiah 17:9-10 (NLT)
Things to avoid saying to your friend
In your innocence, you may say some things that hurt more than help. Here are some suggestions of things that are better NOT to say.
Don't compare your problems to ours- unless they're major.
The whole, "My daughter did this once at a party" or "My husband has problems too, no one is perfect," doesn't help. It only confirms you don't get it. This is worse than the time your daughter got drunk at party or caught your husband watching porn.
Don't ever tell a wife to submit to her husband with an addiction. Period.
Don't say, "It's probably not as bad you think" because in all likelihood, it’s worse than what we think. We live with hopeful, bias blinders on.
Try not to pressure us to be more involved (in anything). Volunteering at church or fundraising for school might not be something we can emotionally handle.
Don't ask us for money. We probably don't have any. If we do, we're fighting for it.
Tread lightly when advising a wife to leave her husband for the sake of her kids, or telling a mother to no longer allow her child to come home. Those are not small decisions or boundaries, they're huge. They'll ignite a series of events our loved ones may or may not be able to survive. If you sense resistance, don’t push it. You might not be the right person to make that suggestion.
Q- Is addiction a hopeless, life-long disease?
A- No one is hopeless with God.
I know there’s healing for addiction, because addiction is not bigger than God. Not to mention, I’ve seen it! Not only in my own husband, but with the women who come through the ministry. Sometimes, these guys find Jesus. Sometimes, their wives do and that’s enough. It can get better!
A good friend will be there for you, cry with you, and talk you through the hard days. But, the very best thing a good friend can do, is be there to remind us we have a life worth living, too.
Leah Grey
Thank you, Danielle.
I want to give a special thanks to my friend, Danielle. She was a wonderfully supportive friend to me through my husband’s addiction and I would have been much worse off without her strength behind me. She loved me and my children, talked me through my panic, took us into her one bedroom apartment when we needed it, and I am eternally, forever grateful. Thank you, my friend. You’re a beautifully unique, selfless soul! XO
MORE ON UNDERSTANDING ADDICTION:
Updated April 10, 2020.