How to Stop Fear and Anxiety from an Abusive Relationship

When fear comes it can come with anxiety, despair, anger, unrest and a host of other emotions! The best thing we can do is ask ourselves, are we going to be fearful or faithful? READ MORE or PIN for later! #addiction #wifeofaddiction #husbandwithadd…

Get up, be baptized and wash your sins away.

My husband, my oldest son and I were all baptized on the same day. We also publicly dedicated our one and a half year old to Jesus. It was beautiful.

Why did I get baptized, you ask? Honestly, I've just never done it. This is going to sound really stupid but I didn't want to get wet in front of all those people. I have this hair, you see.... let's say, it was an act of obedience.

"Jesus replied, “What I am telling you so earnestly is this: Unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the Kingdom of God."

-John 3:5, TLB

The whole night before the baptism I couldn’t sleep. I woke up exhausted and nervous. My husband had a headache. Once in church, singing praise and worship songs, I began to feel better but I was still really nervous.

My husband was the first to be baptized. They showed his video testimony, prophesied some amazing things over him and down he went! The Lord washed away all his sins. It was a beautiful moment. Every worry I'd held onto about our future together melted like a puddle... I was proud to be next to him.

Then, it was my turn. They showed my video testimony, prophesied over my life and down I went. I emerged fresh, sparkly, shiny, new. It had been a long time coming and it felt great to finally take that step of faith as it had been long (yes, very long) overdue!

My seven year old son was last. Bless his little, evangelical soul for wanting to be baptized! Our Pastor called him, “An Ambassador of Love.” They showed his video testimony, prophesied over his life and he publicly dedicated his life to Jesus. I couldn’t be prouder of him.

We went home happy. Our family. Our little, blended family.

There's Always Rain Before The Rainbow.

At home, we enjoyed a post-baptism lunch. The sun was shining, it was unseasonably warm out. I had just finished my sandwich when my cellphone rang.

Brrrring. Brrrrring.

Me: “Hello?”

Him: “Why didn’t you tell me my son was getting baptized today?”

Uh oh. It’s my ex-husband. My intimidating, verbally abusive, has a history of bullying and harassing me ex-husband. I use the term “husband” loosely. We were legally married but beyond that, he and I were never truly married. God never blessed our marriage (yes, that’s a thing!). There was no love there.

Sidebar: If you've felt guilty for being divorced or you are feeling trapped in an unhealthy marriage, have you considered whether God blessed your union? Did you get married with or without God's blessing?

Some food for thought!

How to deal with fear and anxiety over addiction as the wife of an addict.

I hadn’t heard from my son's father since Christmas when he called for all of five minutes to say, “Merry Christmas, I’ll FaceTime you later.” Of course, he never did call back.

As usual, his phone call that day was aggressive.

Me, “Excuse me?”

Him, “Why didn’t you tell me my son was getting baptized today?”

Me, “How do you even know that?”

Him, “I have my spies.”

Me, “You’re spying on me?”

Him, “Never-mind that. Why didn’t you tell me my son got baptized today?”

Me, “Okay, wait, but who told you he got baptized? It just happened.”

Him, “I told you, I have my ways.”

The week before he had sent me a text message out of the blue. Again, with information he could have only known by someone watching me and feeding him information.

I could feel the darkness closing in 🌩️🌩️🌩️🌩️.

The conversation ensued. I asked him if he wanted to speak to our son, he said no (wait… no? Why did he call?!).

He continued to threaten, bully and harass me while his fiancée screamed profanities in the background. I told him I'd speak to him because he's my son's biological father, but I wouldn't stay on the phone listening to his fiancé swearing and threatening me in the background.

She didn’t stop.

I told him I would hang up.

She didn’t stop.

Obviously, I hung up.

Angry text messages started dinging on my cellphone. I walked back to the living room to sit with my family, turned my phone on silent, and tried to revive the hopeful feeling I had an hour earlier. I reminded myself of the words the Pastor spoke over my life earlier that morning, "Your joy is your strength," he said.

Overwhelmed with sadness and fear, I hung my head and burst into a flood of tears.

I Was Filled With Fear and Anxiety.

I spent the rest of my afternoon anxious, afraid and re-thinking my desire to live in Canada near my family. I had another good cry, prayed about it, and determined I wouldn’t give in to fear. I opened my Bible and the first thing I read was Acts 22:14-16.

“Then he said, ‘The God of our fathers has chosen you that you should know His will, and see the Just One, and hear the voice of His mouth. For you will be His witness to all men of what you have seen and heard. And now why are you waiting? Arise and be baptized, and wash away your sins, calling on the name of the Lord.”

-Acts 22:14-16, CSB

I’ve talked about Paul before, but it really hit me that after Paul was baptized, he went BACK to the place where he came from to tell the news of what God was doing in his life.

The people hated him.

They plotted against him.

They wanted to kill him.

It sounded just like my ex-husband.

If you’re experiencing spousal abuse, don’t wait silently for someone to save you. Find your confidence and be brave enough to do what you need to do to make the abuse stop.

How Do We Stop Fear and Anxiety?

“All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish.”

-Isaiah 41:11, NIV

We show our humanity in the moments we’re afraid, when we get emotional and lose momentum, and in our pain. Human nature is weak. We weren’t created to be sinful, but we were born into imperfection.

When we are in need of strength, it is the love of God that makes us feel whole. My Pastor (after the fact) told my husband and I the only way to get rid of fear is to replace it with love, because perfect love drives out fear.

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”

-1 John 4:18, ESV

God loves me and knew I needed to face my past, instead of always running from it. So, for the first time ever, I pushed through my fear and called the police.

[More to Read: Are You More Afraid of Divorce than Your Abuser?]

Isaiah 41:11 your enemies will be ashamed and disgraced.

Go Back to Go Forward.

When I moved back to Canada from New York so my husband could go to rehab, I didn’t know if the move would be permanent or temporary. There was no thinking about it, I left abruptly in a desperate attempt for my husband to seek help.

Seeing my life-long dream of living in New York City get smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror as I drove away, was one of the most emotional things I've ever had to do. It wasn't as much about New York as it was my feelings of failure.

When I met my husband, I thought he was a literal "dream come true." Driving away from New York was a slap in the face of a cold, hard reality.

Go Back to Kansas, Dorothy.

Returning home to my humble, manure-saturated Canadian roots, I had a supportive community and people who loved me; it was a safe place for my heart to recover from my husband’s addiction. I loved the pace of the city, but found security in a slower pace of life.

That said, there was no place like home to fill me with fear and insecurity.

"But Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his own country, among his own relatives, and in his own house.”

-Mark 6:4, CSB

When Jesus returned to his hometown of Nazareth He was judged and mocked for being "merely a carpenter's son." The people didn't accept him in His hometown. If that doesn't illustrate the paradox of relationships, I don't know what does!

"But if any place refuses to welcome you or listen to you, shake its dust from your feet as you leave to show that you have abandoned those people to their fate.”

-Mark 6:11

I wasn’t comfortable living in my hometown, mainly because of my ex-husband. Like the disciples, I needed to decide if it was time to leave the place where I wasn’t feeling honoured.

If you’ll notice in that verse, Jesus told the disciples to “shake it off.” The way He says it infers they are not to be upset about the people not listening to them. I know it’s not exactly the same situation, but what I realized was that wherever I went, I couldn’t keep running from my ex-husband.

I needed to shake off the abuse and move forward without fear.

Psalm 28:7 The Lord is my strength and my shield. My heart trusted in him. With my song I will praise him.

The More You Shake Fear, The Easier It Gets.

If I allowed fear or anxiety to control me, I wouldn’t have started blogging. And for the first few years, I didn’t show my face and changed my name- all because I was scared! As time went on, I got braver and better at “shaking off the dust.” I trusted my Heavenly Father would shield me from my enemies.

“The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song I will praise Him.”
-Psalm 28:7

Sidebar: A spouse’s addiction can become an abusive situation fast, even when you’re not abusive people. Join Kara as she shares how addiction brought out the ugly in her marriage and what she did to change the pattern of abuse.

Most people have jumped between being filled with passion for God and not sure if following Jesus is logical. It’s human nature to predict the future based on our past experience, instead of in God's supernatural terms. But God doesn’t want to see harm come to us.

We have to teach ourselves to trust God if we want to get rid of fear and anxiety. [Need help in that area? Check out my Bible Study, The Be Still Series!]

"...But, strange as it seems, we Christians actually do have within us a portion of the very thoughts and mind of Christ."

-1 Corinthians 2:16 (TLB)

I didn’t stop being afraid of my ex-husband that day, it took time. Although the anxiety never fully went away, year after year, I got braver. I trusted God would keep me safe, and He did; God didn’t stop the abuse, but He shielded my heart.

Do you need to trust God will shield you? Get up, shake it off, and go from that place to tell of what the Lord has done for you!